A plaque remaining from the Big Apple Night Club at West 135th Street and Seventh Avenue in Harlem.

Above, a 1934 plaque from the Big Apple Night Club at West 135th Street and Seventh Avenue in Harlem. Discarded as trash in 2006.

Recent entries:
“Going from vegetarian to vegan just left me irate, on reflection” (12/13)
“Fast food is an oxymoron” (12/13)
“Distilled water is just cooked water” (12/12)
Subpoena Cannon (12/12)
“I went to Legoland last week. People were lined up for blocks” (12/11)
More new entries...

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Tablecloth Barbecue (Tablecloth BBQ)

"Table's not ready. Can you wait?"/"OK."/"Great! Take these plates to table six, then."

Tabloid Headlines ("FORD TO CITY: DROP DEAD")

Taco

Tacos Ahogados (drowned tacos or drowning tacos)

"Tacos are just well-organized nachos"

Tacos de Trompo (Tacos Arabes)

Taco Breath (Burrito Breath; Enchilada Breath; Jalapeño Breath)

"Taco cat spelled backwards is taco cat"

Taco Guts

Taco Hell (Taco Bell nickname)

Taco Polaco or Polaco Taco (Polish Taco)

Taco Salad

Taco Short of a Combination Plate ("not all there")

Taco Smell (Taco Bell nickname)

Taco Tech

Taco Truck (Taco Trailer)

Taco Tuesday

Tacro (taco + croissant)

"Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic"

Tailgate Party or Tailgate Picnic (Tailgating)

Takedown

"Takeoffs are optional; landings are mandatory" (aviation adage)

"Takes the cake"

Takeunder

"Take all you want, but eat all you take"

Take Another Plane (TAP Portugal backronymic nickname)

Take A Chance Airlines (TACA backronymic nickname)

"Take a drug test? I know all about drugs!"

"Take a song to church" (music saying)

Take A Walk, New York! (TAWNY)

"Take care of your body. It's the only place you have to live"

"Take care of your pennies and your dollars will take care of your widow's next husband"

"Take half as many clothes and twice as much money" (travel axiom)

"Take human bites!" & "(I'm not hungry) I'll just pick"

"Take it with a grin of salt"

"Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll" (grocery sign)

"Take life with a grain of salt, a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila"

"Take me to your liter" ("Take me to your litre")

"Take one for the team"

"Take only pictures, leave only footprints" (parks policy)

Take-Out (not Take-Away)

"Take risks: If you win, you will be happy; if you lose, you will be wise"

"Take the 'A' Train" (1941)

"Take the professor, not the class" (college adage)

"Take the Train to the Plane" & Airtrain

"Take the W out of Waffle House and it's just Awful House"

"Take this job and shove it"

"Take to the cleaners" (financially wipe out)

PM (precious metals)

"Take to the Water" (NY Waterway)

"Take your boy hunting and you won't have to hunt for your boy"

"Taking away the punch bowl" (Federal Reserve saying)

"Taking care of business" (TCB)

"Taking wealth from the air" (air rights)

"Talent is God-given, be humble; conceit is self-given, be careful"

"Talent on loan from God"

"Talent recognizes talent"

"Talking its book"

"Talk doesn't cook rice"

"Talk is cheap -- gasoline is not"

"Talk is cheap; money buys whiskey"

Talk Radio

"Talk. Text. Crash." (TxDOT slogan)

Talk Turkey (Talking Turkey)

Tall-Building Lawyer (TBL)

Tall City (Midland nickname)

Tamalada (tamale-making party)

Tamalero (tamale vendor)

Tamale Boat

Tamale Sandwich (hot tamale on a bun; hot tamale bun)

Tamale Town; Tamaleville (San Antonio nicknames)

Tamal (Tamale)

Tammany Hall

Tammany Tiger

Tampiqueña Plate (Carne Asada Tampiqueña; Steak Tampiqueña )

TANJ (There Ain't No Justice)

Tanked Tuesday

Tanks for the Memories (Killeen slogan)

Tank town (small town)

Tannersville: Painted Village in the Sky (nickname)

TANSTAAFMWH (There Ain't No Such Thing As A Free Minimum Wage Hike)

"Tapas is Spanish for 'not enough food'"

Taper Tantrum (taper + temper tantrum)

Taquito

Tartan Day Parade

Tarzhay or Tarjay (Target nickname)

Tar Beach

Tar Beach (rooftop)

Tasso

"Tastes like cardboard"

"Tastes like chicken"

"Taste makes waist"

Taste of Chinatown

Taste of the Nation Brooklyn

Taste of the Village

Taste of Times Square

Taste of Tribeca & Dine Around Downtown

Tasty Tuesday

Tater Tots

"'Tater tots' is short for 'potato toddlers'"

Tavern Sandwich

"Taxes grow without rain"

"Taxes have consequences"

Taxes (Take the commercial rent tax, please!)

Taxicide or Tax-icide (tax + suicide)

"Taxi" (1972); "Mr. Cab Driver" (1989)

"Taxi driver made them pray" (joke)

Taxi (the word "taxicab" and the "yellow" color)

Taxmageddon (tax + Armageddon)

"Taxpayer: A person who resents that death and taxes don't come in that order"

"Taxpayer: Someone who works for the government but doesn't have to take a civil service exam"

"Tax and spend"

"Tax bads, not goods"

Tax Donkey (Tax Mule)

Tax Payer (Will B. Johnstone cartoon character)

"Tax the people and tax with care..." (tax poem)

Taylorite (inhabitant of Taylor)

Ta-kill-ya (tequila)

TBOTFG (The Balls On This Fucking Guy)

TBTF Consortium (Financial Services Roundtable nickname)

"TCU is like a cockroach" (UT football coach Darrell K. Royal)

Teabagger or Tea Bagger (Teabagging or Tea Bagging)

Teabilly (tea party participant + hillbilly)

Teabonics (tea party + Ebonics)

Teacherpreneur (teacher + entrepreneur)

"Teachers are sometimes like an alarm clock. They won't shut up when you're trying to sleep"

"Teachers open the door, but you must enter by yourself"

"Teachers tell us to follow our dreams, but get mad when we fall asleep in their class"

"Teachers who take class attendance are absent-minded"

"Teacher -- A person who helps you solve problems you'd never have without them"

"Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning" (joke)

"Teacher: 'Is that a phone!?' Me: 'No. It's my calculator.'"

"Teacher: Jeff, have you been copying Johnny's test again?" (joke)

"Teacher: Open up to page 26" (joke)

"Teacher: What sound do pigs make? Student: FREEZE!"

"Teacher: 'Why are you late?' Student: 'Why does it matter? You still get paid, right?'"

"Teacher: Why are you late for class?" (school joke)

"Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?" (joke)

"Teacher: You have the same mistakes as the person next to you. How could that happen?"

"Teacher: 'You missed school yesterday, didn't you?' Pupil: 'Not very much!'"

"Teaching children is an accomplishment; getting children excited about learning is an achievement"

"Teaching creates all other professions" (teaching adage)

"Teaching is a work of heart" ("Nursing is a work of heart")

"Teaching is the greatest act of optimism"

"Teaching -- We're not in it for the income; we're in it for the outcome"

"Teach 25 years, not one year 25 times" (teaching adage)

"Teach a manta fish..." (joke)

"Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day"

"Teach your children about taxes -- eat 30% of their ice cream"

Teahadist (tea party + jihadist)

Tealiban (tea party + Taliban)

"Teamwork divides the task and multiplies the success"

"Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say"

"Teamwork makes the dream work" (teamwork adage)

"Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself"

"Teamwork: Simply stated, it is less me and more we"

"Teamwork: The fuel that produces uncommon results in common people"

Team Titanic (2005-06 New York Knicks)

Team Turmoil (1977 New York Yankees, 2005-06 New York Knicks)

Teanami (tea party + tsunami election)

"Teapot is on, the cups are waiting" (poem)

Teapublican (tea party + Republican)

Tearrorist (tea party participant + terrorist)

"Tears will get you sympathy; sweat will get you results"

Teatanic (tea party + Titanic)

Teatard (tea party participant + retard)

Teavangelist (tea party supporter + evangelist)

"Tea is a cup of life"

"Tea is for mugs"

"Tea is instant wisdom -- just add water"

"Tea is just hot leaf juice"

"Tea is just leaf soup"

"Tea is liquid wisdom"

"Tea parties are for little girls with imaginary friends"

Tea-sipper or Teasipper; Tea-sip or Teasip (University of Texas at Austin student nickname)

TEA (Taxed Enough Already) Party

"Technically, all national anthems are country music"

"Technically, all national anthems are country music"

"Technically, anyone who works in an office is an officer"

"Technically, a lawless state would be crime free"

"Technically, every beverage is just flavored water"

"Technically, it's impossible to skip breakfast"

"Technically speaking, beer is a solution"

"Technically, sperm is a bodybuilding supplement"

"Technically, the air guitar is a wind instrument"

Technology (Free wifi!)

"Technology is great...when it works"

Tedium Tatters (Media Matters nickname)

"Teenagers drive like they're going to die: elders drive like they have all the time in the world"

Teeny Weeny Airlines (Trans World Airlines or TWA nickname)

Tee-Pee & "Time and Patience" (Texas and Pacific Railway Company nicknames)

Teflon Don

Teh Blahz (The Blaze website nickname)

Tejano

Tejolote (stone pestle)

Telecom Corridor (Richardson nickname)

Telegram Square and Globe Square (formerly in lower Manhattan)

Telegraph Capitol of America (Western Union Building, 60 Hudson Street)

Telera (Mexican flat bread)

Telethon

"Television enables you to be entertained in your home by people you wouldn't have in your home"

"Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other"

"Television is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done"

"Tell it to Sweeney! The Stuyvesants will understand."

Tell-lie-vision

"Tell me and I forget; teach me and I may remember; involve me and I will learn"

"Tell the boss what you really think of him — and the truth shall set you free"

Temple of Capitalism (Jarmulowsky Bank nickname)

Tenderfoot (or Tender Foot)

Tenderloin

Tenement House

Tenement House in a Shower of Rain (hamburger steak and gravy)

Tennessee: Hog and Hominy State (nickname)

Tennessee: Lion's Den State (nickname)

Tennessee: Mudhead (nickname)

Tennis "Bagel"

Tenny Runners (or Tennie Runners)

Tenther (Tenth Amendment to the Constitution adherent)

Ten Bagger (Tenbagger)

Ten-Foot Cop (NYPD Mounted Unit)

Ten Gallon Hat

"Ten percent of my ashes shall be handed to my agent" (show business joke)

"Ten percent of the fishermen catch ninety percent of the fish" (fishing adage)

"Tequila! Because beer isn't fast enough!"

Tequila Chicken or Tequila Lime Chicken (Chicken Tequila)

"Tequila is a good drink. You drink it and you feel like a cactus"

"Tequila is just dream-flavored water"

Tequila Mockingbird (cocktail)

Tequila Salty Dog (Perro Salado)

Tequila Shrimp (Margarita Shrimp Skewers)

Tequila Sour (cocktail)

Tequila Sunrise (cocktail)

Tequila Tuesday

Teriyaki (Teriyaki sauce)

Terminal City (Grand Central Terminal)

"Term limits - one term in office and one term in jail"

Term Limits (yes, it's an issue again)

Terrace Envy (Terrace Guilt)

Terriers (St. Francis College teams)

Terrific Tuesday

Terroirist (terroir + -ist)

Terroracism (terror + racism); Terroracist (terror + racist)

Terrorganda (terror + propaganda)

"Terrorism is the poor man's war" ("War is the rich man's terrorism")

Terror Vandalism

Test of a Champion (Belmont Stakes)

Tetrazzini (Chicken Tetrazzini; Turkey Tetrazzini; Spaghetti Tetrazzini)

"Tetris taught me that when you try to fit in, you’ll disappear"

Texana or Texiana or Texicana ("all things Texas")

"Texans barbecue everything except ice cream"

"Texan Spoken Here"

Texaplex

Texarkanian (inhabitant of Texarkana)

Texartini (cocktail)

Texasing ("Texas" as a verb)

Texass ("The jackass is the finest flower of Texass" -- Groucho Marx)

Texas 1015 Onion & Texas SpringSweet Onion

Texas Adultery Law (lawyer joke)

Texas Apple Delight (cocktail)

Texas Basement (an attic)

Texas BBQ Trail

Texas Bean Dip

Texas Bilingual Lawyer (lawyer joke)

Texas Bird of Paradise (Flycatcher; Road-Runner or Roadrunner; Paisano; Clown of the Desert)

Texas Blessing

Texas Bloody Mary (cocktail)

"Texas born, Texas bred, when I die, I'll be a Texan dead!"

Texas Bowl

Texas Breakfast

Texas Bruschetta

Texas Brush Popper

Texas Bubble Gum Machine (police car)

Texas Bulldogger (cocktail)

Texas Bumper

Texas Burger (with pastrami)

Texas Butter

Texas Cadillac (pickup truck or Chevy Suburban)

Texas Caesar Salad

Texas Cake

Texas Cakewalk (a hanging)

Texas Cannonballs (black stuffed olives)

Texas Caviar (black-eyed peas)

Texas Celery (cardoon)

Texas Champagne (hot sauce)

Texas Chicken (ship-passing maneuver)

Texas Chicken (Church's Chicken in Mideast)

Texas Chowder (Texas Clam Chowder)

Texas Coleslaw (Texas Cole Slaw)

"Texas: Come for the adventure, stay for your wrongful execution"

"Texas could exist without U.S., but U.S. can't exist without Texas" (Sam Houston)

Texas Cow Chips

Texas Crabgrass or Texas Crab Grass (a spinach and crabmeat dish)

Texas Crud

Texas Crutch (using aluminum foil in BBQ)

Texas Cucumber (banana squash; hot pepper; watermelon)

Texas Death Match (wrestling)

Texas Deep-Fried Turkey

Texas Dim Bulb Award

Texas Dip (debutante curtsy)

Texas Dip (sandwich)

Texas Dirt (banana pie with crushed Oreos)

"Texas: Disproportionately Awesome"

"Texas does not...simply have indigenous dishes. It proclaims them" (Alistair Cooke)

Texas Draw (buy/sell agreement)

Texas Earthworm (a rattlesnake)

Texas Eggs Benedict (Tex-Mex Eggs Benedict)

Texas Egg Roll

"Texas even claims George Washington was a Texan" (joke)

Texas Exit (traffic term)

Texas Fairy Tale ("Y'all ain't gonna believe this" instead of "Once upon a time")

Texas Fifth (half-gallon of liquor)

Texas Fizz (cocktail)

Texas flag only one at same height as U.S. flag (urban legend)

Texas Flag "Pledge of Allegiance"

"Texas forever"

Texas French Toast

"Texas Friendly Spoken Here"

"Texas fries everything but ice cream" (Edna Ferber)

Texas Fruitcake

Texas Goat Sauce

Texas Grilled Cheese Sandwich

Texas Gulag (Gulag State of Texas)

Texas Haircut (financial term)

Texas Hash

"Texas has a lot of electrical votes" (Yogi Berra?)

Texas has four seasons: Drought, Flood, Blizzard and Twister

"Texas has yet to learn submission to any oppression, come from what source it may"

Texas Hat Trick (four goals by a player in an ice hockey game)

Texas Heart Shot (hunting shot)

Texas Hibachi

Texas Hold 'Em

Texas Holey Rock (honeycomb limestone)

Texas Hollywood (movie studio/theme park in Spain)

Texas Hooker (or Panhandle Hook)

Texas Horned Lizard Capital of the World (Kenedy nickname)

Texas Horseshoes (Washer Pitching; Washer Tossing; Redneck Horseshoes; Hillbilly Horseshoes)

Texas Hot Peanuts

Texas Hot Weiners (Texas Weiners, or Texas Wieners)

Texas House (Breezeway; Dog-Run House; Dogtrot House; Possum Trot House; Saddlebag House)

"Texas: illegally acquired; universally admired"

Texas Ironwood (mesquite)

Texas Island Dressing

"Texas is a blend of valor and swagger" (Carl Sandburg)

"Texas is a state of mind. Texas is an obsession." (John Steinbeck)

"Texas Is Calling, Your Opportunity Awaits"

"Texas is neither southern nor western. Texas is Texas." (William Blakley)

"Texas is paradise for men and dogs, but hell for women and horses"

"Texas is so big that the people in Brownsville call the people in Dallas 'Yankees.'"

"Texas is the garden spot of the world" (Davy Crockett)

"Texas -- It's Bigger Than France"

"Texas: It's Like a Whole Other Country"

Texas Kool-Aid or Texas Cool-Aid (cocktail & wine & Crown Royal nickname)

Texas Lawyer Hunting (lawyer joke)

Texas Leaguer (Texas League Hit)

Texas Leica

Texas Lemonade (Texas Limeade)

Texas Lizzies (Christmas cookies)

Texas Manhattan (cocktail)

Texas Martini (or Mexican Martini)

Texas Medicine (mescaline)

Texas Mickey

Texas Midwest (Texas Midwest Day)

Texas Mile (country mile)

Texas Millionaires (cookies)

Texas Mudslide (cocktail)

Texas Nectar (cocktail)

Texas North or Texas of the North or North Texas (Alberta province nickname)

"Texas occupies all of the North American continent except Canada, Mexico and the rest of the U.S."

Texas of Africa (Nigeria nickname)

Texas of Asia (Mongolia nickname)

Texas of Brazil (Rio Grande do Sul nickname)

Texas of Canada (Alberta province nickname)

Texas of China (Szechuan/Sichuan province nickname)

Texas of Costa Rica (Guanacaste province nickname)

Texas of Cuba (Camagüey province nickname)

Texas of Germany (Bavaria nickname)

Texas of Kazakhstan (Shymkent city nickname)

Texas of Panama (Chiriqui province nickname)

Texas of Russia (Russian Texas; Texas of the Soviet Union)

Texas of South Africa (Vryburg, North West province nickname)

Texas of Venezuela (Zulia state nickname)

Texas oil well sayings

Texas Omelet

"Texas, One and Indivisible"

Texas Outhouse (Texas Roadhouse nickname)

Texas Panhandle (or, Texas Pan Handle)

Texas Peach Cobbler

Texas Pea Sheller

Texas Pecan Pie

Texas Penny ($100 bill)

Texas Pete (hot sauce from Winston-Salem, NC)

Texas Philly (sandwich)

Texas Pink Cloud (cocktail)

Texas Popcorn (fried okra; stuffed jalapeños)

Texas Potatoes

Texas Punch

Texas Quiche

Texas Ranch Beans

Texas Ranger Nine-Bean Soup

Texas Ratio

Texas Ratio

Texas Rattlesnake (cocktail)

Texas Rice Salad (Texmati Rice Salad)

Texas Riviera (Texas Gulf Coast)

Texas Roadkill (Texas Roadhouse nickname)

Texas Road Fairy

Texas Rock Rose (Pavonia lasiopetala)

Texas Roll (sushi)

Texas Room (family room)

Texas Rose (cocktail)

Texas Rose (onion appetizer)

Texas Sausage Trail

Texas Schmexas (Texas Shmexas)

Texas Scramble (golf)

Texas Scramble (scrambled egg and other dishes)

Texas Sharpshooter Fallacy

Texas Sheath Cake

Texas Sheet Cake

Texas Shootout or Texas Showdown (buy/sell agreement)

Texas Shuffle (jury selection)

Texas Spaghetti (or Mexican Spaghetti)

"Texas Stadium has a hole in the roof so God can watch his favorite team" (D. D. Lewis)

Texas Stop

Texas Stop Sign (Dairy Queen)

"Texas Stories Told Here...Some True"

Texas Strangers (Texas Rangers baseball team unofficial nickname)

Texas Strategy (Paul Krugman NY Times column)

Texas Strawberries (beans; jalapenos; shelled corn)

Texas Straw Hat (similar to Frito pie)

Texas Strong

Texas Sunrise (Big Red + tequila)

Texas Sunshine (citrus-ade)

Texas Sweat (cocktail)

Texas Sweet Onion

Texas Switch

Texas Tacks (thorns)

Texas Taffy (beef jerky for dogs)

"Texas tall talk is not a lie; it is an expression of a larger truth." (Paul Crume)

Texas Tapenade

Texas Tarragon (Mexican Mint Marigold)

Texas Tea (oil, alcoholic drink, iced tea, et al.)

Texas Tender

Texas Three-Kick Rule (lawyer joke)

Texas Three-Step (Dallas, Houston, San Antonio)

Texas Timex (gold Rolex watch)

Texas Toast

Texas Tommy (dance)

Texas Tommy (ice-box cookies; hot dogs)

Texas Tonion (LongHorn Steakhouse)

Texas Toothpick (onion and jalapeño strips)

Texas Tornado Cake

Texas Torpedo (stuffed jalapeños)

Texas Tough (Texas criminal justice)

Texas Tower (a radar tower)

"Texas to the Bone" (Saltgrass Steak House)

Texas Trash (Chex mix dish)

Texas Trash (chocolate-covered candy)

Texas Treasure Chest (Texas Facilities Commission store)

Texas Triangle (Dallas, Houston, San Antonio)

Texas Trifecta (Dallas, Houston, San Antonio/Austin)

Texas Trinity (brisket/ribs/sausage; mustard/mayo/pickles)

Texas Trio (steak, chicken, shrimp)

Texas Tumbleweeds (snack)

Texas Turkey (armadillo)

Texas Tuscan (architecture)

Texas Tuxedo

Texas Twister (barbecued cutlets)

Texas Twister (chili dogs)

Texas Twister (drink)

Texas Twist or Texas Tornado or Country Boy (three-card monte scam)

Texas Two-Step (dance)

Texas Two-Step (Primary & Caucus voting; Primacaucus; Primaucus; Primacus; Caucumary; Caucary)

Texas T-Bone Corridor (high-speed rail)

Texas T-Shirt (disposable toilet seat cover)

Texas University (t.u.)

Texas U-Turn (Texas Turnaround)

Texas Wedge (golf putter)

Texas Wedge (salad)

Texas Wedgie

"Texas -- Where men are men and women are governors"

"Texas: Wide Open for Business"

"Texas will again lift up its head, and stand among the nations" (Sam Houston)

Texas With a Little Something Extra (Beaumont slogan)

Texas Wontons (Tex-Mex Wontons)

"Texas -- You can see farther and see less than any place on earth"

Texatini (cocktail)

Texecution (Texecuted)

Texian

Texicali (Texicalli)

Texican

Texification/Texify (Texafication/Texafy)

Texile (Texas Exile)

Texit (Texas + exit)

Texlahoma (Tex-La-Homa)

Texmati (rice)

Texodus (Texas Exodus)

Texoma (Texas + Oklahoma)

Texpatriate (Texpat)

Texsucks (Texsux)

"Text without context is pretext"

Texxas

Tex Appeal

Tex-Mex Addict or Mex Addict (cuisine enthusiast)

Tex-Mex (cuisine)

Tex-Mex Mile or Mexican Food Mile or Taco Row (South First Street, Austin)

TGI Friday's (1965); "Thank God It's Friday" or "TGIF" (1934)

Thankscaking (Thanksgiving + cake)

"Thanksgiving Day comes, by statute, once a year"

"Thanksgiving dinner is a unique experience. It's like an orgy that's rated G"

"Thanksgiving dinner eating takes 12 minutes, which coincides with halftime"

"Thanksgiving dinner eating takes 12 minutes, which coincides with halftime"

"Thanksgiving is for those who take time to remember; no one can give thanks who has a short memory"

"Thanksgiving is nothing if not a glad and reverent lifting of the heart to God"

"Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants"

"Thanksgiving, to be truly Thanksgiving, is first thanks, then giving"

"Thanksgiving was never meant to be shut up in a single day"

Thanksgivukah or Thanksgivukkah (Thanksgiving + Chanukah/Hanukkah)

"Thank God for Mississippi" ("Thank Heaven for Mississippi")

"Thank God it's Monday...said no one ever"

"Thank God It's Fermented" (TGIF)

"Thank you, craft beer, for making my alcoholism seem like a neat hobby"

"Thank you, student loans. How will I ever repay you?"

"Thar's gold in them thar hills"

"That'll be the day!" (Buddy Holly; John Wayne; Kellogg's cereal)

"That's all she wrote"

"That's all there is -- there isn't any more!" (Broadway curtain-call speech)

"That's a nice ham you got there..." (joke)

"That's how we do it in Brooklyn" ("This is how we do it in Brooklyn")

"That's racing" ("That's racin'")

"That's show business" ("That's show biz")

"That's the way baseball go"

"That's the way the cookie crumbles"

"That's what I like about Texas"

"That's what money's for -- to spend"

"That's what speed do" (baseball saying)

"That's why they make vanilla and chocolate ice cream" (i.e., people have different tastes)

"That's why they play the games" (sports adage)

"That awkward moment when you don’t know what to do with your life when you leave the computer"

"That awkward moment when you finish watching a TV series and you don't know what to do"

"That awkward moment when you spell a word so wrong that even autocorrect is like, 'I got nothing'"

"That ball is gone, goodbye" (baseball home run call)

"That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long"

"That dog won't hunt" (LBJ)

"That low-down scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it"

"That makes as much sense as government cheese"

"That money talks, I'll not deny, I heard it once: It said, 'Goodbye'"

"That smells like lentils and desperation"

Theater Row

"Theatre is life, film is art, and television is furniture"

Theatre of the Absurd, 2005

Theft by Cop (civil asset forfeiture)

"The key to happiness is to find a woman who can cook, clean and is great in bed" (joke)

"Them that has, gets"

"Then you were a prospect and now you are a client" (joke)

"There's always a bull market somewhere"

"There's always room at the top"

"There's always room for dessert"

"There's always room for Jell-O"

"There’s always that one pistachio that just tastes terrible"

"There's always time for a glass of wine"

"There's always work at the post office"

"There's an app on my phone that makes me look fat. It's called 'camera'"

"There's an app on my phone that makes me look fat. It's called 'camera'"

"There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator" (math joke)

"There’s a moron in every office. They usually get paid more than you"

"There's a reason the windshield is bigger than the rearview mirror"

"There's a reason why 'sober' and 'so bored' sound almost exactly the same"

There's a sucker born every minute (NY gambler slang, but not P. T. Barnum)

"There's a $20 fee to leave your apartment" (joke)

"There's boxing and then there's heavyweight boxing" (boxing adage)

"There's life outside the internet."/"Send me the link."

"There's more than one way to peel an orange"

"There's more than one way to skin a cat"

"There’s never just one wet butt in a canoe. We’re all in this together"

"There's nothing between Amarillo and the North Pole except a barbed wire fence"

"There's nothing in the middle of the road except yellow stripes and dead armadillos"

"There's nothing sweeter than a cup of bitter coffee"

"There's nothing wrong with me a little ice cream won't fix"

"There's not enough coffee in the world"

"There's not one dime's worth of difference in the two parties"

"There's no bad publicity except an obituary"

"There’s no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap"

"There's no business like Shoah business"

"There's no crying in baseball!" ("There's no sentiment in baseball")

"There’s no excuse for anyone to work harder than you do"

"There’s no excuse for my behavior, so I’m drinking until I have one"

"There's no fever like gold fever"

"There's no future in becoming a historian"

"There’s no 'I' in denial"

"There's no 'I' in 'team'"

"There's no 'I' in 'team,' but there is a 'me'"

"There's no life without water. Without water, there's no coffee. Without coffee, I'll kill you all"

"There's no more difficult transition than Sunday to Monday"

"There's no place like home" ("Home, Sweet Home")

"There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise" (pun)

"There's no quit in him"

"There's no secret about success -- a successful man will tell you about it"

"There's no such thing as a bad audition" (performing arts adage)

"There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong gear" (running adage)

"There's no such thing as good money or bad money -- there's just money"

"There's no training for garbage men. They pick it up as they go along"

"There's one thing I can't stand when I'm drunk. Up"

"There's Only One New York" (NY1 News)

"There's only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it"

"There's plenty of room for all God's creatures -- right next to the mashed potatoes"

"There's something missing in my life and I don't know if it's a person, a puppy, or just a burrito"

"There's something missing in my life and I don't know if it's a person, a puppy, or just a pizza"

"There's too much blood in my caffeine system"

"There's too much month left at the end of the money"

"There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami..."

"There are 10 genders. Because gender is binary"

"There are a thousand ways to lose a horse race and only one way to win"

"There are better things in the world than alcohol, but alcohol sort of compensates"

There are many apples on the tree, but when you pick NYC, you pick the Big Apple (1975)

"There are many possible reasons to sell a stock, but only one reason to buy" (Wall Street adage)

"There are more Baptists than people in Texas"

"There are more important things than money, but they won’t date you if you don’t have any"

"There are no accidental visits by politicians"

"There are no accidents in politics"

"There are no atheists in foxholes"

"There are no bears living on Park Avenue"

"There are no called strikes in investing"

"There are no dull stories, only dull reporters"

"There are no ex-Marines"

"There are no fish under the ice!" (ice fishing joke)

"There are no guilty men in prison" (prison adage)

"There are no lost causes because there are no gained causes"

"There are no markets anymore, just interventions"

"There are no new stories, only new reporters" (journalism adage)

"There are no small parts, only small actors" (theatre adage)

"There are no traffic jams along the extra mile"

"There are no votes in foreign aid" (political adage)

"There are no withholding taxes on the wages of sin"

"There are old pilots and bold pilots, but there are no old, bold pilots"

"There are old traders and bold traders, but there are no old, bold traders"

"There are only three lawyer jokes –- the rest are true stories"

"There are only two great plays -- 'South Pacific' and put the ball in the basket"

"There are only two kinds of music -- good music and bad music"

"There are only two sports in Texas -- football and spring football (practice)"

"There are over 4 million workplace injuries reported every year. Play it safe -- call in sick"

"There are some ideas so wrong that only a very intelligent person could believe in them"

"There are some things you can only learn in a storm"

"There are some things you can only learn in a storm"

"There are so many scams on the Internet. Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them"

"There are only three ages for women in Hollywood - Babe, District Attorney, and Driving Miss Daisy"

"There are three good reasons to be a teacher: June, July and August"

"There are three parties in Congress: Republicans, Democrats and Appropriators"

"There are two classes of people, those who are Irish and those who lack ambition"

"There are two kinds of congressmen -- show horses and work horses"

"There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead"

"There are two kinds of people in this world: givers and takers"

"There are two reasons I would never drink toilet water. Number 1 and number 2"

"There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know"

"There are two seasons in the North -- winter and road construction"

"There are two sides to every story -- and then there's the truth"

"There are two theories about how things happen in Washington: consensus or crisis"

"There are two types of pain: Pain that hurts you and pain that changes you"

"There are two types of windows -- windows that leak and windows that will leak"

"There are two ways to conquer and enslave a nation. One is by the sword. The other is by debt."

"There are two ways to run for office -- scared or unopposed" (political adage)

"There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works"

"There can be no higher law in journalism than to tell the truth and shame the devil"

"There comes a time in the day when no matter what the question is, the answer is always wine"

"There goes the neighborhood"

"There is always free cheese in a mousetrap"

"There is a big difference between confidence and conceit"

"There is a button on my oven that says 'stop time'"

"There is a button on my oven that says 'stop time'"

"There is a lot more juice in a grapefruit than meets the eye"

"There is a providence that protects idiots, drunkards, children, and the United States of America"

"There is a special place in hell reserved for people that break the '10 items or less' rule"

"There is a time and a place for decaf coffee. Never and in the trash"

"There is a time and place for wine –- in my hand and now"

"There is hardly anything that some man cannot make a little worse and sell a little cheaper"

"There is magic in the air and it's called WiFi"

"There is more law at the end of a policeman's nightstick than in a decision of the Supreme Court"

"There is more sophistication and less sense in New York than anywhere else"

"There is never one cockroach" (business adage)

"There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate"

"There is nothing inherently wrong with fiat money, provided we get perfect authority"

"There is nothing so disturbing to one's well-being and judgment as to see a friend get rich"

"There is nothing so good for the inside of a man as the outside of a horse" (horse-riding adage)

"There is nothing wrong with sex on television as long as you don't fall off"

"There is nothing wrong with the charts, only the chartists"

"There is no back row" (online classroom adage)

"There is no Catholic way to cook a hamburger"

"There is no Catholic way to cook a hamburger" (judicial adage)

"There is no chance, no destiny, no fate, that can control the firm resolve of a determined soul"

"There is no education in the second kick of a mule"

"There is no education in the second kick of a mule"

"There is no education like adversity"

"There is no First Amendment without the Second Amendment"

"There is no glory in practice, but without practice, there is no glory"

"There is no gym for your face"

"There is no 'I' in team, but there is in win"

"There is no life without water because water is needed to make coffee"

"There is no substitute for hard work"

"There is no substitute for hard work"

"There is no such thing as a cheap politician" (Ferdinand Lundberg's Law)

"There is no such thing as a good tax"

"There is no such thing as a little garlic"

"There Is No Such Thing As A Pitching Prospect" (TINSTAAPP)

"There is no such thing as overtraining, only undereating" (bodybuilding adage)

"There is no truth in news and no news in truth" (Russian Izvestia and Pravda adage)

"There is no 'we' in pizza"

"There is one day that is ours. Thanksgiving Day is the one day that is purely American."

"There is only one and this is it" (Carnegie Deli)

"There is only one fruitcake -- it just keeps getting sent around"

"There, I guess King George will be able to read that!" (John Hancock?)

"There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking"

"There needs to be a restaurant named Chick-fil-B open exclusively on Sundays"

"There never was a horse that couldn't be rode or a man that couldn't be throwed" (Will James)

"There once was a dog named Tax. I opened the door and income Tax"

"There oughta be a law!"

"There ought to be more dancing"

"There was an early bird special, so I ordered Archaeopteryx"

"There was an explosion at the cheese factory. De brie was everywhere"

"There was a crime spree at IKEA. Police are having a hard time putting the pieces together"

"There was a fight at the fish and chip shop. The fish got battered"

"There was a fire at my local dollar store. Damage is estimated to be in the tens of dollars"

"There was a guy who played the organ in his garden to get organically grown food"

"There was a recent study that tried to pinpoint the effect that alcohol has on walking..."

"There was a shootout in The Gap. There were many casual-tees"

"There was laughter back of the theater, leading to the belief that somebody was telling jokes"

"There were two types of Jews in 1933 -- optimists and pessimists"

"Thermopylae had her messenger of defeat, but the Alamo had none"

"Thermostrocka Mortimer" or "Thermostrocker Mortimer" (Cactus Pryor)

"These days govt. is a four-letter word"

"These Korean meatballs really are the dogs bollocks"

"These pretzels are making me thirsty"

"These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down"

"They're not saying 'boo,' they're saying 'Lou' (Piniella)" (sports cheer)

"They're off!" (horse racing starting call)

"They're playing our song" (romantic drama dialogue)

"They all laughed when I wore one puff pastry boot. But now the choux's on the other foot"

"They all share the same kitchen" (East 6th Street Indian restaurant joke)

"They aren't making yardsticks any longer"

"They call it fishing, not catching"

"They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken"

"They call it 'take-home pay' because it's too little to go home by itself"

"They call us dreamers, but we're the ones who don't sleep"

"They came to do good and stayed to do well" (Washington bureaucrats/politicians)

"They cut us up like boarding house pie. And that’s real small pieces"

"They don't get big by being dumb" (hunting and fishing adage)

"They don't make things like they used to -- and they never did"

"They eat anything with legs except a table and anything with wings except an airplane"

"They finally published my book about sex with herbs. It's about f*cking thyme!"

"They have fought grandly, nobly, and we must have more of them"

"They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They're not laughing now"

"They need to bring back teaching binary in schools. That's just my 10 cents"

"They only call it class war when we fight back"

"They picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone else works twice as hard"

"They pretend to pay us and we pretend to work" (Soviet joke)

"They say a woman's work is never done. Maybe that's why they get paid less"

"They say money has germs, but even a germ couldn't live on the money I make"

"They say never go food shopping when you're hungry, but it's been over a week"

"They say Republicans are for the rich, Democrats are for the poor"

"They say there's safety in numbers. Tell that to six million Jews"

"They say you are what you eat. I don't remember eating a big disappointment"

"They say you are what you eat. Today I bought some ready to eat chicken..."

"They say you are what you eat. I bought ready to eat apricots..."

"They say you should test your fire alarm every month. That would cost a fortune in houses"

"They should put more wine in the bottle so there's enough for two people"

"They should stock ATM's better. I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds"

"They sleep, we grind. They dream, we shine"

"They talk about me like a dog"

"They tried to bury us, but they didn't know we were seeds"

"They tried to kill us...we won...let's eat!" (Jewish holiday parody)

"They who drink beer think beer"

"They who drink of the San Antonio River will return"

"The 12-Step Chocoholics Program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate"

"The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people. Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen"

"The #1 Family Shoe Chain in NY/NJ" (Fabco Shoes)

"The 21st century: Where deleting history is more important than making it"

"The 24-hour Indian restaurant is a naan-stop"

"The 2nd Amendment is my gun permit"

"The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin' Groovy)" (1966)

"The 5 second rule does not apply when you have a 2 second dog"

"The 8th deadly sin is leaving a friend a voicemail"

"The Actor's Resource" (Back Stage)

"The advantage of a classical education is that it enables you to despise wealth"

"The aim of a college education is to teach you to know a good man when you see one"

"The airlines have become so cash-strapped, they charged me for my emotional baggage"

The American Dream City (Arlington, TX slogan)

"The American flag on the moon has turned white. It's now a French flag"

"The answers to my anatomy test were inside me the whole time"

"The answer may not lie at the bottom of a bottle, but I always like to check"

"The answer may not lie at the bottom of a bottle of wine, but you should at least check"

"The answer to 1984 is 1776"

"The ark was built by amateurs, but professionals built the Titanic"

"The audience never goes out humming the scenery" (musical theatre adage)

"The August place to be" (Saratoga Race Course)

"The average person thinks he isn't"

"The backup quarterback is the most popular player on a (losing) team"

"The bad news is time flies. The good news is you're the pilot"

"The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs"

"The ball never gets tired" (soccer adage)

"The ball will find you" (baseball adage)

"The Banking Alternative for the 21st Century" (NYC Check Express)

"The bank is open for [player name]" (basketball bank shot catchphrase)

"The bartender asked me, 'What'll you have?' I said, 'Surprise me'" (joke)

"The bar sign said: 'Topless & Bottomless.' I went inside and nobody was there!"

"The bases are F.O.B. (full of Brooklyns)"

"The Beach Boys walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"The bears have Thanksgiving, but the bulls have Christmas" (or, "The bulls have Thanksgiving...")

"The Beat of New York" (WKTU-FM)

The Beautiful Game (soccer)

"The belt is the original wearable fitness tracker"

"The best angle from which to approach any problem is the try-angle"

"The best argument against democracy is a five minute talk with the average voter"

"The best band name is 'Free Beer'"

"The best band name is 'Free Beer'"

"The best beer in a homebrewed batch is the last one you drink"

"The best camera is the one that's with you" (photography adage)

"The best cure for a recession is a recession"

"The best exercise is the one you will do" (exercise adage)

"The best fertilizer is the gardener's shadow"

"The best gun is the one you have with you"

"The best is yet to come. Unless you're out of wine"

"The best jeans and sneaker stores in America" (V.I.M.)

"The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender."

"The best pass defense is a good pass rush" (football adage)

"The best pitch is strike one" (baseball adage)

"The best players win MVPs; the best teams win championships"

"The best preparation for good work tomorrow is to do good work today"

"The best preparation for tomorrow is doing your best today"

"The best program is the one you're not on"

"The best public servant is the worst one"

"The best social program is a job"

"The best teams make the playoffs; the hottest team wins the championship"

"The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them"

"The best thing about Austin is that it's so close to Texas"

"The best thing about freshmen is that they become sophomores"

"The best thing money can buy is financial freedom"

"The best thing one can do when it is raining is to let it rain"

"The best thing to come out of Dallas/Houston is I-45"

"The best throw of the dice is to throw them away" (gambling adage)

"The best time on a clock is 6:30. Hands down"

"The best time to invest is when you have the money"

"The best time to make a sale is right after a sale"

"The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does"

"The best vitamin for making friends is B-1"

"The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one"

"The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line"

"The best way to control the opposition is to lead it"

"The best way to cook fish is to have a slow waiter walk it through a hot kitchen"

"The best way to escape from a problem is to solve it"

"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others"

"The best way to finish an unpleasant task is to get started"

"The best way to get a bad law repealed is to enforce it"

"The best way to go into business is with high hopes and low overhead"

"The best way to have a good idea is to have lots of ideas"

"The best way to learn is to teach"

"The best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag. So every morning I slap the wife"

"The best way to predict the future is to design it"

"The best way to refute a gambit is to accept it" (chess adage)

"The best way to rob a bank is to own one"

"The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear"

"The best way to stop a bad guy with a gun is with a good guy with a gun"

"The best wines are the ones we drink with friends"

"The best wood in an amateur's bag is a pencil" (golf joke)

"The better the view, the worse the food"

"The Bible must be considered as the great source of all the truth"

"The bicycle is a curious vehicle. Its passenger is its engine"

"The bigger the base, the higher in space" (Wall Street adage)

"The bigger the field, the bigger the certainty" (horse racing adage)

"The bigger the government, the smaller the citizen"

"The bigger the top, the bigger the drop" (Wall Street adage)

"The biggest doves in Washington wear uniforms"

"The Big OD" & Slowdeatha (Odessa nicknames)

The Big Sleep (a long period of no growth)

"The blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice"

"The blackest land and the whitest people" (Greenville, Hunt County, TX)

The Block Beautiful (East 19th Street, Gramercy Park)

"The boat store held a paddle sale. It was quite an oar deal"

"The body achieves what the mind believes"

"The body heals with play. The mind heals with laughter. The spirit heals with joy"

"The bond market is smarter than the stock market"

"The book 'The Very Hungry Caterpillar' taught me that I can binge eat and take a two-week nap"

"The boss said I was tardy" (joke)

"The Bowery" (1892)

"The brain never stops working until you start to speak in public"

"The brain starts working when you get up, and doesn't stop until you get into the office"

"The brave don’t live forever, but the cautious don’t live at all"

"The bread never falls but on its buttered side"

"The broccoli says, 'I look like a small tree' ..." (joke)

"The broker made money and the brokerage firm made money – and two out of three ain’t bad"

"The Bronx" (Batley, England)

The Bronx (Da Bronx)

"The Bronx is burning" (1974; alleged Howard Cosell quote during the 1977 World Series)

The Bronx? No Thonx!

"The Bronze winner is always happier than the one who wins Silver"

"The Brooklyn Dodgers have three on base."/"Which base?"

"The bull walks up the stairs and the bear jumps out the window"

"The Burning of the School" ("Battle Hymn of the Republic" parody)

"The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work"

"The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work"

"The butcher who made seabird sausages took a tern for the wurst"

"The butler did it" (murder mystery drama saying)

"The camera adds ten pounds" (film and television adage)

"The camera doesn't lie" ("The camera never lies")

"The camera looks both ways" (photography adage)

"The cannibal had a wife and ate kids"

"The cashier said, 'Strip down, facing me.' How was I to know she actually meant my debit card?"

"The cemeteries are full of indispensable men"

"The Center For Health in the Center of the World" & "Another Day, Another Breakthrough"

"The center of a donut is 100% fat free"

The Championship Track (Belmont Park nickname)

"The checkbook and the calendar never lie"

"The Chicken and the Pig" (lessons in commitment from bacon/ham and eggs)

"The chicken is the only animal we eat before it's born and after it's dead"

"The Christian Right is neither"

"The Citi Never Sleeps" (Citibank)

The City of Opportunity (Seagoville slogan)

The City That Faith Built (Wichita Falls slogan)

The City That Works (Portland slogan)

"The closest I've been to a diet is erasing food searches from my browser history"

"The closest I've ever come to being a 'hunter and gatherer' is opening my own pistachios"

"The cobwebs in my house just became decorations! Thanks, Halloween!"

The Company (Central Intelligence Agency or CIA nickname)

"The Company You Keep" (New York Life)

"The Company You Love to Hate" (Con Edison)

"The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people"

"The cook's course is the hardest course in the army"

The Corner (23 Wall Street, at Broad Street)

"The country's in the very best of hands"

"The cows are giving evaporated milk" (Texas heat joke)

"The cream rises until it sours"

"The crowd at the cannibal's party grew silent when he announced he would be serving finger foods"

"The crowd is always wrong" or "The public is always wrong" (Wall Street proverb)

"The crux of the biscuit"

"The cupcake is just the slutty cousin of the muffin"

"The cure for high prices is high prices" ("The cure for low prices is low prices")

"The cure for the ills of democracy is more democracy" (Al Smith)

"The currency is the share price of a country"

"The customer is always right"

"The daily diary of the American dream" (Wall Street Journal slogan)

"The darkest hour has only sixty minutes"

"The days of wine and roses are over" (Gov. Hugh Carey)

The Deadly Toxin or The Daily Toxin (The Daily Texan nickname)

"The dead soldier's silence sings our national anthem"

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work"

"The depressing thing about tennis is that I'll never be as good as a wall"

The Deuce (42nd Street)

"The devil makes his Christmas pie of lawyers' tongues and clerks' fingers"

"The dice have no memory"

"The difference between an optimist and a pessimist is that the pessimist is better informed"

"The difference between a boss and a leader: a boss says 'Go!' — a leader says 'Let's go!'"

"The difference between a democracy and a people's democracy" (joke)

"The difference between a farmer and a pigeon is the pigeon can make a deposit on a John Deere"

"The difference between a jogger and a runner is an entry blank"

"The difference between a rebellion and a revolution is which side wins"

"The difference between a rut and a grave is the depth"

"The difference between coffee and your opinion is I asked for coffee"

"The difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets"

"The difference between golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie"

"The difference between men and boys is the price of their toys"

"Difference between my girls and married women is that my girls give a man his money's worth"

"The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra"

"The difference between stumbling blocks and stepping stones is the way a person uses them"

"The difference between the Boy Scouts and the Army is that the Scouts have adult supervision"

"Difference between NYC Council and rubber stamp is that a rubber stamp leaves an impression"

"The difference between try and triumph is a little umph"

"The difficult we do immediately; the impossible takes a little longer"

"The dinner bell is always in tune"

The Dinosaur (English Elm in Washington Heights)

"The distance between your dream and reality is called action"

"The distance between your dreams and reality is called action"

"The doctor said I can only eat greens, so I went on a dye it"

"The doctor told me to lose some weight, so I bought a dog" (joke)

"The dog ate my homework" (student excuse)

"The dollar votes more times than the man"

The Drag on Guadalupe Street, Austin (Drag Worm; Drag Rat)

"The dream is free, but the hustle is sold separately"

"The driver is safer when the roads are dry. The roads are safer when the driver is dry"

"The drunker I sit here the longer I get" ("Starkle, starkle little twink")

"The drunkest knight of the round table was Sir Rhosis"

"The early bird can have the worm because worms are gross and mornings are stupid"

"The early bird catches the worm, but the early worm gets eaten"

"The early bird makes the coffee"

"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese"

"The ear's loss is the palate's gain" (opening champagne)

"The earth used to be flat...until they buried yo mama"

"The easiest way to avoid a hangover is to just stay drunk"

"The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement"

"The easiest way to make money is to stop losing it"

"The economy is too important to be left to economists"

"The editor's indecision is final"

"The egg is to cuisine what the article is to speech"

"The Eiffel Tower is the Empire State Building after taxes”

The Elevated Acre

"The energy to take you anywhere" (Valero Energy Corporation)

"The engineer sees the glass as twice the size it needs to be" (joke)

"The English invented soccer, but the Brazilians perfected it"

"The envelope, please" (awards show saying)

"The envelope, please" (hotel tips envelope)

"The evil of two lessers" (voting for "the lesser of two evils")

"The exact defense chili developed to preserve the species is the exact reason they are devoured"

"The exam questions are the same every year -- only the answers change" (joke)

"The eye in the sky never lies" (game film adage)

"The factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog"

"The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist"

The Failing New York Times (New York Times nickname)

"The fans are behind the coach 100 percent, win or tie"

The Fashion Projects (London Terrace)

"The faster I type in my password, the more secret agenty I feel"

"The faster you climb an escalator, the more steps it takes to reach the top"

"The faster you run, the faster you're done" (running adage)

"The fastest way for a politician to become an elder statesman is to lose an election"

"The fat acceptance movement is the only movement without movement"

"The fat, alcoholic transvestite just wanted to eat, drink and be Mary"

"The federal government is an aircraft carrier, not a speedboat"

"The Fed can print money, but it can't print jobs"

"The feeling of not having to work tomorrow is better than the feeling of not having to work today"

"The finish line is just the beginning of a whole new race"

"The first automobile race occurred right after the second car was built"

"The first casualty of war is truth"

"The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte"

"The first day of school -- the day when the countdown to the LAST day of school begins"

"The first draft of anything is shit"

"The first duty of wine is to be red"

"The first few weeks of Weight Watchers you're just finding your feet"

"The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest"

"The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest"

"The first generation builds the business, the second makes it a success, and the third wrecks it"

"The First Law of Economists: For every economist, there exists an equal and opposite economist"

"The First Law of Management: Kickbacks must always exceed bribes"

"The first loss is always the smallest" (Wall Street proverb)

"The first man gets the oyster; the second man gets the shell"

"The first myth of management is that it exists"

"The first Noel, the angels did say. You'll be paying your bills from now until May"

"The first period is won by the best technician..." (wrestling adage)

"The first rule of rescuing is don’t become the second victim"

"The first submarine sandwich shop opened in 1898, but the store went under"

"The first thing I do each morning is to read the obituaries" (joke)

"The first thing on my bucket list is to fill the bucket with wine"

"The first thing you lose on a diet is your sense of humor"

"The first time I saw a universal remote control I thought, 'This changes everything'"

"The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider trying it"

"The five-second rule doesn't apply to soup"

"The Flat Earth Society has members all around the globe"

The Flying Kangaroo (Qantas nickname)

"The font family changed their TV today. It wasn't working with their Arial"

"The food is terrible -- and such small portions!"

"The food label read, 'Store in a cool place,' so..." (joke)

"The food pyramid is a 'pyramid' not 'triangle,' so what’s on the other sides?"

"The fork spooned the knife, so the spoon knifed the fork"

"The fourth estate has become a fifth column"

"The fourth win in a series is always the most difficult to get"

The Four Hundred

"The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar"

"The four seasons are deer, turkey, rabbit and duck"

"The fridge broke, so I had to eat everything"

"The fridge is a clear example that what matters is what’s inside"

The Friendly Firehouse (Ladder Co. 159, Brooklyn)

"The Friendly Frontier" and "Keep Abilene Beautiful" (Abilene slogans)

"The first time I played chess I tried to move my castles diagonally. Classic rookie mistake"

"The Front Page of the Internet" (Reddit slogan)

"The frustrated cannibal threw up his arms"

The Fumble or Miracle at the Meadowlands (1978 Giants fumble)

"The further north you go, the further south you get" (Florida adage)

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams"

"The future is not a gift; it is an achievement"

"The game is the best teacher" (soccer adage)

"The Gates of Heaven -- Never Closed" (Hamburg Heaven)

"The gender neutral term for sugar daddy is glucose guardian"

"The gentleman will take a chance" (eating hash)

"The Germans will never forgive the Jews for Auschwitz"

"The gift of giving is the best gift we have been given"

"The girls all get prettier at closing time" (barroom adage)

"The girl who can't dance says the band can't play" (Yiddish proverb)

"The goal is to die with memories, not dreams"

"The gold and other items of value placed in Egyptian tombs was the very first cryptocurrency"

"The golf swing starts from the ground up" (golf adage)

"The governor proposes and the legislature disposes"

"The Greater New York Dairy" (Dairy Associates)

"The greatest bear is a sold out bull" (Wall Street adage)

"The Greatest City in Las Vegas" (New York, New York Hotel & Casino)

The Greatest City in the World

The Greatest Little Town in Texas (Ballinger slogan)

"The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one"

"The greatest quest in life is to reach one's potential"

"The greatest thing since radio"

"The greatest thing since sliced bread"

The Great Mentioner

The Great Place (Fort Hood nickname)

The Great Saunter (32-mile walk around Manhattan)

"The great thing about democracy is that it gives every voter a chance to do something stupid"

"The great thing about Miami is that it's so close to the United States"

"The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription. Well. he called it a receipt...whatever"

"The guy who said that the truth never hurts never had to fill out a form 1040"

"The guy who wrote the program that estimates time left on a download wasn't serious"

"The gym accused me of stealing, but the sign clearly said 'free weights'"

"The G spot is located at the end of the word 'shopping'"

"The halfway point of a marathon is 20 miles" (running adage)

"The Happiness I Never Knew" ("think" backronym)

"The harder you work for something, the greater you'll feel when you achieve it"

"The hardest animal to kill is a school mascot"

"The hardest lift of all is lifting your butt off the couch"

"The hardest part about being vegan is waking up at 5 a.m. to milk the almonds"

"The hardest part of bringing your lunch to work is resisting the temptation to eat it"

"The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn"

"The hardest thing to raise in my garden is my knees"

"The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread"

"The Hawk" or "Hawkins" (strong cold winter wind)

"The hay is in the barn" (football and running expression)

"The heat index is somewhere between OMG and WTF"

"The higher the hair, the closer to God"

"The higher you go, the better the snow" (skiing adage)

"The high-jump event is basically reverse limbo"

"The high school music teacher told his students to read band books"

"The high school music teacher told his students to read band books"

"The horse doesn't know what its odds are" (horse racing adage)

"The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip"

"The hospital you were born in is the only building you leave without entering"

"The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who...maintain their neutrality"

"The hours between coffee and wine really are pointless"

"The hours between coffee and wine really are pointless"

"The House has affairs; the Senate has relations"

The House that Herring Built (Russ & Daughters nickname)

"The House That Ruth Built" (Yankee Stadium)

"The Houston Astros/Texas Rangers have won the World Series!" (Texas weather joke)

"The human body is 80% water, so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety"

"The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television"

"The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television"

"The ice age walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"The idea that women only belong in the kitchen is dated. The rest of the house needs cleaning"

"The IKEA job interviewer said, 'Welcome! Come in and make a seat'"

"The illegal we do immediately; the unconstitutional takes a little longer"

The International Magazine of Events (TIME backronym)

"The internet becomes 100 times more entertaining when you have work to do"

"The internet is a series of tubes filled with cats"

"The internet is full of cats because dog people go outside"

"The internet is too pc. Disabled cookies? In my day, they were called broken biscuits"

"The introduction of religious passion into politics is the end of honest politics"

"The investor's advocate" (Securities and Exchange Commission slogan)

"The in-flight movie was so bad, people were walking out"

"The IQ of a committee is equal to the IQ of the dumbest member..."

"The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scots as a joke, but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet"

"The jawbone of an ass is just as dangerous a weapon today as in Sampson's time"

The Jews' Highway (Williamsburg Bridge)

"The job requires me to get a potato clock" (get up at eight o'clock)

"The job requires me to get a potato clock" (get up at eight o'clock)

"The job requires me to get a potato clock" (get up at eight o'clock)

"The judo club knows how to throw a party"

"The Kids' Department Store" (Cookie's)

"The ladder of success is never crowded at the top"

"The ladder to success" (joke)

"The landscaper thought gardening magazines were fun to leaf through"

"The land is so flat you can watch your dog run away for three days" (joke)

"The largest room in the world is the room for improvement"

"The large print giveth and the small print taketh away"

"The lasting legacy of most deceased pets is a computer password"

"The last line of the national anthem is often thought to be 'Play ball!'"

"The last official act of any government is to loot the treasury" (Washington?)

"The last ten hits (to 3,000 career hits) are the hardest"

"The last three outs are different" (baseball adage)

"The last time I heard that I fell off my dinosaur" (an old joke)

"The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty"

The Last Word (cocktail)

"'The later I get here, the quicker this ends' isn’t the right answer for 'why are you late?'"

"The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they'd turn over by themselves"

"The Legend Continues" (Galveston slogan)

"The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on"

"The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed"

"The library before finals looks like the gym after New Year's"

"The library before finals looks like the gym after New Year's"

"The life of a snail is taken with a pinch of salt"

"The life you live is the lesson you teach"

"The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts"

The Line That Time Forgot (Second Avenue Subway)

The Little Chapel That Could (St. Paul's); The Little Church That Could (St. Nicholas)

"The living deserve our respect; the dead deserve the truth"

"The local Goodwill burned down last night. A person died from second-hand smoke"

"The longer the party, the bigger the hangover"

"The longest distance in any race is the six inches between your ears"

"The longest five seconds in anyone’s life is waiting to press the 'Skip Ad' button on YouTube"

"The Lord giveth and the IRS taketh away"

"The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t go to work. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5"

"The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t go to work. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5"

"The lottery is a wonderful thing; it lays the taxation only on the willing"

"The lottery is essentially crowd funding for a random person to become a multi-millionaire"

The Louvre of Lox (Russ & Daughters nickname)

"The Lower Rio Grande Valley is a great place to live -- it's so close to the United States"

"The luckiest horse wins the Derby, the fastest horse the Preakness, the best horse the Belmont"

"The luck is gone, the brain is shot, but the liquor we still got"

"The 'mac' in mac and cheese is also an acronym for 'mac and cheese'"

"The magic of Christmas never ends and its greatest of gifts are family and friends"

"The mail must go through" (postal service adage)

"The main ingredient of stardom is the rest of the team"

"The main purpose of the stock market is to make fools of as many men as possible"

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live"

"The Man in the Brooks Brothers Shirt" (1942)

"The man leaned on the printer cartridge because he wanted to tone up his abs"

"The man on top of the mountain didn't fall there"

"The man who butts his head against the stock market soon learns why it's called Wall Street"

"The man who dies rich dies disgraced"

"The man who drank a bottle of varnish had a horrible end, but a lovely finish"

"The man who gets into a cage full of lions impresses everyone but a school-bus driver"

"The man who gives in when he's right is married"

"The man who loves his job is always on vacation"

"The man who rolls up his sleeves seldom loses his shirt"

"The man who rows the boat generally doesn't have time to rock it" (political proverb)

"The man who stops advertising to save money is like the man who stops the clock to save time"

"The market can stay irrational longer than you can stay solvent" (Keynes?)

"The market is always here" (Wall Street phrase)

"The masses are asses"

"The Mattress Professionals" (Sleepy's)

"The meal isn't over when I'm full. The meal is over when I hate myself"

"The meaning of peace is the absence of opposition to socialism"

"The media report planes that crash, not planes that land safely"

"The mediocre teacher tells, the good teacher explains, the superior teacher demonstrates"

"The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights"

"The menu had many different kinds of food on it. So I asked, 'Can I have a clean one?'"

"The #MeToo movement is supposed to be empowering, but why PoundMeToo?"

"The midget fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large"

The Mighty Wurlitzer (CIA "playing" the media)

"The military is protecting democracy, not practicing it"

"The money is always greener in the other guy's wallet"

"The money is a nice bonus, but the real joy in robbing banks is watching the tellers move quickly"

"The more captains you have on the field the better" (soccer adage)

"The more comfort food I eat, the less comfortable I am"

"The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war"

"The more you sweat in practice, the less you bleed in battle"

"The more you tell, the more you sell" (marketing adage)

"The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe -- eat cake"

"The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you to do nothing with your life"

"The most beautiful thing you can wear is confidence"

"The most bullish thing the stock market can do is go up"

"The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee"

"The most dangerous food is wedding cake"

"The most dangerous part of an automobile is the nut behind the wheel"

"The most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it"

"The most exciting thing you encounter in government is competence, because it's so rare"

"The most exciting two minutes in sports" (Kentucky Derby slogan)

"The most expensive part of having kids is all the wine you have to drink"

"The most fattening thing you can put in an ice-cream sundae is a spoon"

"The most important ingredient in the formula of success is knowing how to get along with people"

"The most important thing a girl wears is her confidence"

"The Most New York You Can Get" (Daily News)

"The most painful exercise is running out of money"

"The most painful exercise is running out of money"

"The most trusted name in fake news" (The Daily Show, CNN)

"The most trusted name in news" (CNN slogan)

"The most unrealistic thing about Monopoly is the free parking"

"The most used piece of equipment at the gym is the mirror"

"The mountain is out" (Mount Hood is visible)

"The murals in restaurants are on a par with the food in museums"

The Musical Instrument Megastore (Sam Ash)

"The national arms are covered with glory" (Ignacio Zaragoza, after the battle of Cinco de Mayo)

"The national dish of America is menus"

The Nation's Newspaper (USA Today nickname)

"The Newspaper That Can't Be Bought" (Village Voice)

The New Yorker Festival

"The New York City police chief said, 'We will never forget 9/11'" (joke)

"The New York Idea"

"The next person who asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade is gonna get a punch"

"The inmates are running the asylum"

"The noblest of all dogs is the hot dog; it feeds the hand that bites it"

"The NSA walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"The NSA walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"The NYPD toilets were stolen. Police have nothing to go on"

"The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf"

"The odds are good, but the goods are odd" (male-female ratio)

"The odds are good that you will be laid up long before you are laid out" (insurance adage)

"The office Christmas party is a chance to catch up with people you haven't seen for 20 minutes"

"The official tree of New York City is scaffolding"

"The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy"

"The older I get the better I was" (sports adage)

"The Oldest Apothecary in America" (C. O. Bigelow)

"The oldest word in politics is 'new'"

"The only abs I have are abnormalities"

"The only color that matters is blue" (police adage)

"The only communists left are in China, Cuba, North Korea and on American universities"

"The only cure for presidential fever is embalming fluid"

The Only Day After Yesterday ("today" backronym)

"The only difference between this place and the Titanic is they had a band"

"The only easy day was yesterday" (Navy SEAL motto)

"The only exercise some people get is jumping to conclusions"

"The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable"

"The only good time to say 'I have diarrhea' is during a game of Scrabble"

"The only job where you can start at the top is the job of digging a hole"

"The only man able to stop Michael Jordan was Dean Smith"

"The only people who put ketchup on hot dogs are mental patients and Texans"

"The only person telling you the truth in politics is the one who says he is not voting for you"

"The only person who likes change is a baby with a wet diaper"

"The only pizza worth eating" (Abitino's)

"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary"

"The only problem with troubleshooting is that trouble shoots back"

"The only reason I'm fat is because a tiny body couldn't store all this personality"

"The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory"

"The only river wet on one side and dry on the other" (Rio Grande during Prohibition)

"The only stock options I have are chicken and beef"

"The only stock options I have are chicken and beef"

"The only sure way to make a computer go faster is to throw it out the window"

"The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself"

"The only thing he brought to this job was his car"

"The only thing I fear more than the government shutting down is the government staying open"

"The only thing I throwback on a Thursday is a glass of wine"

"The only thing more dangerous than an economist is an amateur economist"

"The only thing not delivered by a truck is a baby"

"The only thing stopping me from smashing my alarmclock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone"

"The only thing that matters in wrestling are your teeth and your testicles"

"The only thing that will survive the apocalypse is student loans"

"The only thing that will survive the apocalypse is student loans"

"The only thing you can believe in the papers is the date"

"The only thing the prevent defense does is prevent you from winning"

"The only thing worse than a buffering video is a buffering ad"

"The only thing wrong with Austin is that it's surrounded by Texas"

"The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work"

"The only time a woman is helpless is when her nail polish is drying"

"The only time politicians tell the truth is when they call each other liars"

"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire" (aviation adage)

"The only time you should ever look back is to see how far you've come"

The only town in Texas that's Knott Texas (Knott slogan)

"The only useful thing banks have invented in the last 20 years is the ATM"

"The only use of pennies is to avoid getting more"

"The only way to lose weight by drinking green tea is to go to the mountain and pick it yourself"

"The only way to see New York" (Circle Line)

"The operation was successful, but the patient died"

"The opera ain't over until the fat lady sings"

"The opposite of New Orleans is Old Andfat"

"The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist invents the parachute"

"The organization of any bureaucracy is very much like a septic tank..." (Imhoff's Law)

The Other Big Apple (Meaford, Ontario nickname)

"The outdoors is what you must pass through in order to get from your apartment into a taxicab"

"The party's not over till you smile for the mugshot"

"The party always ends up in the kitchen"

"The party in power is smug; the party out of power is insane" (Jane's Law)

"The past is your lesson. The present is your gift. The future is your motivation"

"The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"The pathway to glory is strewn with pitfalls and dangers" (Per Ardua ad Astra)

"The patron saint of checking your bread rolls in the oven is St. John the Bap test"

"The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless"

"The pay stinks, but the benefits are out of this world" (religious work joke)

"The peasants are revolting" ("The people are revolting")

"The penalty for not participating in politics is to be governed by your inferiors"

The People's House (U.S. House of Representatives)

The People's Money (silver nickname)

People's Republic of Austin (Austin nickname)

"The people get the government they deserve"

"The people have spoken...and they must be punished"

"The people have spoken -- the bastards!"

"The people stand up for royalty. The queen sits down for royal tea"

"The performer is available for a limited number of cancellations"

"The personal is political"

"The person who aims at nothing is sure to hit it" (success/failure proverb)

"The philosophy of the classroom in one generation will be the philosophy of government in the next"

"The phrase 'Built to stay free' is an anagram of what monument?" (riddle)

"The phrase 'it's not opposite day' is always true"

"The phrase 'working mother' is redundant"

The Planet (Brooklyn)

"The play opened at 8:40 sharp and closed at 10:40 dull" (Broadway saying)

"The positive thinker sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible"

"Potatoes will cry their eyes out" (if next to onions)

"The potato farmer who crossed the mob is sleeping with the knishes"

"The price of gold is understood by exactly two people in the entire world -- and they disagree"

"The problem isn't the abuse of power; it's the power to abuse"

"The problem with 9/11 jokes is that they never seem to land"

"The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you're finished"

"The problem with drinking and driving is that trees defend themselves very well"

"The problem with drinking and driving is that trees defend themselves very well"

"A problem with drinking with people from work is they’re the ones I bitch about when I’m drunk"

"The problem with having a job is that it gets in the way of being rich"

"The problem with the French is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur"

"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind"

"The problem with Workaholics Anonymous meetings is they never end"

"The Projects" (public housing projects)

The public be damned! (William H. Vanderbilt)

"The public cannot be too curious concerning the characters of public men"

"The public ignores a presidential election until after the World Series"

"The public stayed away in droves"

"The pub is ten minutes from my house. However, my house is two hours from the pub"

"The punchline comes before the question. What's the worst part about time traveling jokes?"

"The punishment for tax evasion is getting to live off of other people's taxes"

"The purpose of NATO is to keep the Americans in, the Russians out and the Germans down"

"The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped"

"The race is not always to the swift, but to those who keep on running"

"The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet"

"The radar gun gets you drafted, but you have to pitch to get to the big leagues" (baseball adage)

"The raised nail gets hammered down" (management proverb)

"The real joke is always in the comments"

"The real menace to our republic is the invisible government"

"The real problem with reality is the lack of background music"

"The real reason your golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing"

"The reason Uncle Sam has to wear such a tall hat is that he's always passing it around"

"The reason Uncle Sam has to wear such a tall hat is that he's always passing it around"

"The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit"

"The recipe said 'Set the oven to 180 degrees'" (joke)

"The regular season is where you make your name, but the postseason is where you make your fame"

"The relationship of a journalist to a politician should be that of a dog to a lamppost"

"The rent is too damn high!" (political party slogan and name)

"The Republic of Texas is no more" (Anson Jones on 1846 annexation)

"The reward for saving your money is being able to pay your taxes without borrowing"

"The reward for saving your money is being able to pay your taxes without borrowing"

"The reward for work well done is the opportunity to do more"

"The rewind on the remote of life does not work"

The Rialto (14th Street)

"The richer you get, the more expensive happiness becomes"

"The rich have advantages that money cannot buy"

"The rich invest in time, the poor invest in money"

"The Right Way to Invest" & Fireman's Carry symbol (Oppenheimer Funds)

"The (rising) star of Texas" (Texas State slogan)

"The road of life is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision"

"The road of life is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision"

"The road to a friend's house is never long"

Big Apple Corner (1992-1997)

"The road to success is always under construction" (business adage)

"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking places"

"The rodeo ain't over till the bull riders ride"

"The Roman numerals for forty (40) are XL" (i.e., weight gain at 40 makes one Xtra Large)

"The room was so small, I had to go out in the hall to change my mind"

"The rotation of the earth really makes my day"

"The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket"

"The Sahara desert walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"The school board wishes you a speedy recovery, by a vote of 4-3"

"The score is still 0-0 -- you haven't missed anything" (joke)

The Scotsman's Kilt

"The scrawny personal trainer had to give a too weak notice"

"The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you're off it"

"The secret ingredient is one heaping teaspoon of love"

"The secret of eternal youth is arrested development"

"The secret of success is to start from scratch and keep on scratching"

"The secret to dancing is pretending you have a wedgie and trying to get it unstuck without hands"

"The secret of getting ahead is getting started"

"The secret to managing is to keep the five guys who hate you away from the five who are undecided"

"The Senate is the enemy" (House of Representatives saying)

"The Senate is the saucer into which we pour legislation to cool" (Senatorial saucer)

"The serve was invented so that the net can play" (tennis joke)

"The seven ages of man are spills, drills, thrills, bills, ills, pills and wills"

The Shack (police reporters area)

"The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room"

"The Shortcut to Mexico" & "The Mex! Without the Tex" (Guajillo's in San Antonio)

"The shortest book in the world is called 'Great Jewish Sports Heroes'"

"The shortest distance between two points is always under construction"

Showplace of the Nation (Radio City Music Hall)

"The show must go on" (show business adage)

"The show must go wrong" (show business adage)

"The sideline is a defender's best friend"

"The Signature of American Style" (Lord & Taylor)

"The sign said, 'Employees must wash hands.' I waited, but I finally washed them myself"

"The sign says you're open 24 hours." / "Not in a row!" (joke)

"The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place"

"The Sky's the Limit" (Midland slogan)

"The slower it comes off, the longer it stays off" (weight loss adage)

"The slow man with integrity will ultimately catch the swift one who has none"

"The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran"

"The Soviet Union made the best bread in history. People would wait days in line for it!"

"The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing"

"The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing"

"The sports page records people's accomplishments and the front page has nothing but man's failures"

Sport of Kings (polo nickname)

"The square root of -1 walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"The Stanley Cup is the toughest championship to win"

"The Staten Island Ferry is the poor man's Circle Line"

"The statesman shears the sheep, the politician skins them"

"The state bird is the (construction) crane"

"The state does nothing, and can give nothing, which it does not take from somebody"

"The Statue of Liberty has been trying to hail a taxi for years!"

"The Statue of Liberty has been trying to hail a taxi for years!"

"The stock market abhors uncertainty" & "Money runs from uncertainty" (Wall Street adage)

"The stock market has spoiled more appetites than bad cooking"

"The stock market is a barometer of business"

"The stock market trades to inflict the maximum amount of pain"

"The stock price is a hollow god"

"The story of milk: Good milk, bad milk, cheese!"

"The strength of a nation lies in the homes of its people"

The Stroll (Seventh Ave. between 131-132 Streets)

"The strongest people are not those who show strength in front of us..."

"The Sturgeon King" (Barney Greengrass)

"The suck"

"The sun and the sand and a drink in my hand"

"The sun don't shine on the same dog's butt every day" (investment proverb)

"The sun has riz, the sun has set, and here we is in Texas yet"

"The sun will rise and we will try again"

"The Supreme Court follows the election returns" ("Judges follow the election returns")

"The Supreme Court isn't final because it's supreme, it's supreme because it's final"

"The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream"

"The tape tells the story" (Wall Street proverb)

"The task ahead of you is never greater than the strength within you"

"The tassel's worth the hassle"

"The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad" (joke)

"The tax code is longer than the Bible, but without the good news"

"The team in first on July 4th will win the pennant" (baseball adage)

"The team that gets the best player wins the trade"

"The team that won't be beaten can't be beaten"

"The team, the team, the team"

"The third hand on a clock is also the second hand"

"The time to live in New York is when you're young and poor, or old and rich"

"The toes you step on today may be connected to the ass you'll kiss tomorrow"

"The toughest fades are the best trades"

"The toughest job you'll ever love" (Peace Corps; teaching; nursing; parenting)

"The town which can't support one lawyer can always support two lawyers" (LBJ)

The Town Without a Toothache (Hereford slogan)

"The trees taunt you; the sand mocks you; the water calls your name" (golf saying)

"The trend is your friend" (Wall Street proverb)

"The trouble with being a good sport is that you have to lose to prove it"

"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it"

"The trouble with doing something right the first time is nobody appreciates how difficult it was"

"The trouble with New York is that it’s so convenient to everything I can’t afford"

"The trouble with not having a goal is that you can spend your life running up and down the field"

"The trouble with political jokes is that they get elected to office"

"The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off"

"The trouble with socialism is that you eventually run out of other people's money"

"The trouble with staying home from work is that you have to drink coffee on your own time"

"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you're still a rat"

"The trouble with unemployment is that you never get a day off"

"The true administration of justice is the firmest pillar of good government"

"The true entrepreneur is a doer, not a dreamer"

"The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable"

The Turk (person to cut a player from the team)

"The turtle took two chocolates to Texas to teach Thomas to tie his boots"

"The two enemies of the people are criminals and government..."

"The two happiest days of a man's life—the day he bought the boat and the day he sold the boat"

"The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why"

"The two most important things about money are, to make it first, then make it last"

"The TW in Twitter stands for Time Wasted"

"The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced"

"The United States of America does not have friends; it has interests"

The United States of Goldman Sachs

"The universe is made of protons, neutrons, electrons and morons"

"The UN is really just a country club"

"The upper crust is a bunch of crumbs held together by a lot of dough"

"The used car salesman knows when he's lying" (joke)

"The U.S. dollar is the best-looking horse in the glue factory"

"The U.S. dollar is the cleanest dirty shirt"

"The U.S. dollar is the leper with the most fingers"

"The U.S. government is an insurance company with a sideline business in defense"

"The U.S. government is an insurance company with an army"

"The vice presidency isn't worth a pitcher of warm spit" (John Nance Garner to Lyndon B. Johnson)

"The vice presidency is a spare tire on the automobile of government"

The Village (airplane coach seating section)

"The wages of sin are death, but after taxes are taken out, it's just kind of a tired feeling"

"The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country..."

"The way out of trouble is never as simple as the way in"

"The way taxes are today, you might as well marry for love"

"The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"

"The way to crush the bourgeoisie is to grind them between the millstones of taxation and inflation"

"The way to make money is to identify the trend whose premise is false, then bet against it"

"The weather is like the government, always in the wrong"

"The weather is so nice I think I'll go outside and watch other people run"

"The weather is so nice I think I'll go outside and watch other people run"

"The West wasn't won with a registered gun"

"The whiter your bread, the sooner you’re dead"

"The whole purpose of education is to turn mirrors into windows"

"The wife bet I couldn't make a spaghetti car. Then I drove pasta"

"The will must be stronger than the skill"

"The woods are full of long hitters" (golf adage)

"The word 'Fat' just looks like someone took a bite out of the word 'Eat'"

"The word 'politics' is derived from 'poly' meaning 'many' and 'ticks' meaning 'parasites'"

The World's Borough (Queens)

"The World's Greatest Newspaper" (SCREW)

"The world's most prolific Facebook user sadly passed away. We shall not see his Like again"

"The world is full of apathy, but I don't care"

"The world is run by those who show up"

"The world is your lobster"

"The world needs ditch diggers, too"

"The world owes me a living"

"The worst advice is free advice" ("The most expensive advice is free advice")

The Worst Airline (Trans World Airlines or TWA backronymic nickname)

"The worst lead in hockey is a two-goal lead"

"The worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle. It really was a vile inn"

"The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is that you usually have to eat them"

"The worst thing about censorship is -- "

"The worst thing about running the Chinese Marathon? Hitting the Wall"

"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades"

The Young Turds or The Dumb Turds (The Young Turks nickname)

Thieves' Alley (5 Norfolk Street)

Thieves' Lair (Longacre Square/Times Square)

Thieves' Market (between Delancey and Houston Streets in Manhattan)

"Thieves steal and run; politicians run and steal"

"Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working"

"Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle"

Things Which I Type That Everyone Reads ("Twitter" backronym)

"Things work out best for those who make the best of how things work out"

"Thinking isn't to agree or disagree -- that's voting"

"Thinking is one thing no one has ever been able to tax"

"Thinking is the hardest work, which is probably the reason why so few engage in it"

"THINK before you text, tweet, facebook. Is it true, hurtful, illegal, necessary and kind?"

"Think like a fundamentalist; trade like a technician"

"Think outside the Fox" (anti-Fox News saying)

"Think outside the Fox" (anti-Fox News saying)

Think Regress or ThinkRegress (Think Progress nickname)

"Think things through -- then follow through" (six-word success formula)

"Think with your mouth" (mouthinking; mouthinker)

Thinspiration (thin + inspiration)

Thinspo (thin + inspiration)

Third Avenue Guy (Wall Streeter working in a less important location on Third Avenue)

Third Coast

Third Degree

Third Smallest Town in Texas (fictitious Tuna, Texas slogan)

Thirsday (Thursty Thirsday)

Thirstday

"Thirsty days hath September" (beer rhyme)

Thirsty Thursday

"Thirst come, thirst served" (bar saying)

"This ain't my first rodeo"

"This beer tastes like I'm not going to work tomorrow"

"This beer tastes like I'm not going to work tomorrow"

"This chocolate just went past me at 120 mph!! I think it was a Ferrari Rocher"

"This Christmas, I'd like a fat bank account and a slim body"

"This coffee is broken! I'm still tired!"

"This Fibonacci joke is as bad as the last two you heard combined"

"This food is fit for a king, Here, King!"

"This girl said she knew me from a vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore"

"This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies"

"This guy was so large, he had his own climate"

"This home runs on love, laughter and lots of strong coffee"

"The house isn't under construction -- kids just live here"

"This isn't an office -- it's hell with fluorescent lighting"

"This is an elegant hotel -- room service has an unlisted number"

"This is a family newspaper" (no obscenities are allowed)

"This is a family show" (no obscenities are allowed)

"This is a nonprofit organization. We didn't plan it that way"

"This is a self-cleaning kitchen -- clean up after yourself"

"This is a terrible spell of wheather"

"This is God's Country. Don't Drive Thru It Like Hell" (Hondo road sign)

"This is not a restaurant" (joke)

"This is not sweat. This is liquid awesome"

This is Texas (Cleburne slogan)

"This is unparalyzed in the state's history" (Gib Lewis)

"This is what democracy looks like"

"This is why we can't have nice things"

"This is your Sunday evening reminder that you can handle whatever this week throws at you"

"This kitchen is seasoned with love"

"This margarita tastes like I don't even have kids"

"This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine"

"This office will not tolerate redundancy in this office"

"This orange juice says shake well before drinking..." (drinking joke)

"This printer is now called Bob Marley because it's always jammin'"

"This Valentine's Day, I will almost certainly be inundated. Sorry. In, undated"

"This vehicle protected by anti-theft sticker" (bumper sticker)

"This whiskey tastes like I'm about to tell you how I really feel"

"This will remain the land of the free only so long as it is the home of the brave"

"This wine pairs well with turkey and difficult relatives"

"This year I plan to start putting off my Christmas shopping extra early"

Thoity Thoid and Thoid (33rd Street and Third Avenue)

"Thomas Edison walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Those convinced against their will are of the same opinion still"

"Those whom the gods love they let live in Texas"

"Those who are capable of tyranny are capable of perjury to sustain it"

"Those who can’t teach, teach gym"

"Those who do not have goals are doomed forever to work for those who do"

"Those who do not move do not notice their chains"

"Those who forget the pasta are condemned to reheat it"

"Those who go to college and never get out are called professors"

"Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not"

"Those who invest in chocolate put their money behind bars"

"Those who invest in chocolate put their money behind bars"

"Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened"

"Those who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it"

"Those who stay will be champions"

Thoughts Which I Think They Enjoy Reading ("Twitter" backronym)

Thousands Standing Around (Transportation Security Administration or TSA nickname)

Thousand Islands: Thousand Islands Dressing

"Thou shalt not steal, except by majority vote"

"Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator"

"Three boxes govern the world" (ballot box, jury box, cartouch box)

"Three chords and the truth" ("Country music is three chords and the truth")

"Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

Three C's of Credit (Credit reputation, capacity and collateral)

Three-Day Town (Three-Day City)

"Three Democrats walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Three Democrats walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Three D's" or "Five D's" of Auctions/Foreclosures (Death, Disease, Drugs, Divorce, Denial)

"Three great inventions: fire, the wheel and central banking"

Three G's of Politics (God, guns and gays)

"Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Three kinds of economists" (joke)

Three Kings Day Parade

"Three languages, you're trilingual; two, you're bilingual; one, you're American"

"Three little pigs walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Three logicians walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Three men in a room"

"Three men walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Three phrases that sum up Christmas: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries Not Included"

"Three Republicans walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Three Republicans walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

Three R's (Riding, Roping, Rodeo; also with 'Rangling, 'Rastling, Roundups, Ranching)

Three Sisters: Corn, Beans, Squash (Three Sisters Soup; Three Sisters Stew)

Three Sisters or Twisted Sisters or 100-Mile Loop (RR335, RR336, RR337)

"Three things can happen when you throw the football, and two of them are bad" (UT coach Royal)

"Three things I'm thankful for: 1) family 2) friends 3) Caller ID to avoid family & friends"

"Three things tell the truth: children, drunk people and yoga pants"

"Three things you can't take back: a spent arrow, a spoken word and a lost opportunity"

"Three things you can do in a baseball game: You can win, you can lose or it can rain"

"Three tickets come out of Iowa" (Iowa caucus adage)

"Three umpires are sitting in a bar..." (baseball joke)

"Three vampires walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, forbid kids from doing it"

"Three yards and a cloud of dust" (football saying)

"Threw my neighbors a really nice housewarming party. The cops are calling it arson, however"

"The fact that you aren't where you want to be should be enough motivation"

Thrilledy (thriller + comedy)

"Throwing acid is wrong -- in some people's eyes"

"Throw away the fish, eat the plank" (joke)

"Throw good money after bad" (to waste additional money)

"Throw money at a problem" (Washington reflex)

"Throw nickels like manhole covers" (stingy)

Throw Red Meat at the Political Base (reward hard-core supporters)

"Throw the rascals in!"

"Throw the rascals out!"

"Throw your hands in the air like you just don't care"

THRU Streets

Thucydides Trap

Thugocracy

Thugs and Sexual Assailants (Transportation Security Administration or TSA nickname)

Thumbsucker (a news analysis or think piece)

Thumbs Up Thursday

Thundering Herd & We, the People (Merrill Lynch nicknames)

Thunder on the Left (Thunder on the Right)

Thurmond Rule or Biden Rule (no judicial appointments in election year)

"Thursday doesn't even count as a day, It's just the thing that's blocking Friday"

"Thursday -- the most useless day of the week"

"Ticker tape ain't spaghetti"

Ticker-tape Parade

"Tick taco" (tick tock + taco)

"Tidy desk, tidy mind"

"Tidy house, tidy mind"

"Tidy room, tidy mind"

"Tie one on" (to get drunk)

Tiffany Network (CBS)

Tiger Beat on the Potomac (Politico nickname)

Tightening of Adam's Apple (suggested in 1978)

"Tighter than the skin on a grape"

Tighthouse (Tight House)

"Tight as a tick" (said of a close election)

Timber (Political Timber; Gubernatorial Timber; Presidential Timber)

Times New Ramen (Times New Roman font + ramen noodles)

Times Plaza (Brooklyn)

Times Square and Herald Square

"Times Square is like using the internet without ad-block"

"Times Square is like using the internet without ad-block"

"Time flies like an arrow: fruit flies like a banana"

"Time flies when you're having fun"

"Time flies when you're having rum"

"Time flies when you’re throwing watches"

"Time flies when you throw away calendars"

"Time flies when you throw your watch"

"Time goes by fast when you’re avoiding homework"

"Time in the market is better than timing the market" (Wall Street adage)

"Time is money. Money is power. Power is pizza. Pizza is knowledge"

"Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time"

"Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students"

"Time is the friend of stocks, the enemy of bonds"

"Time kills all deals"

"Time, talent, and treasure"

"Time to make the donuts"

"Time to spare? Go by air." (aviation saying)

Timmy Ho's (Tim Hortons nickname)

Tinfoil Hat or Tin Foil Hat (Tinfoil Hat Brigade or Tin Foil Hat Brigade)

TINVOWOOT (There Is No Voting Our Way Out Of This)

"'Tiny House Community' is just hipster lingo for 'Mobile Home Park'"

Tin Pan Alley

Tin Pan Handle Alley (West 50th Street and Eighth Avenue)

Tin-pot Dictator (Tin-pot Dictatorship)

Tin Roof Sundae

"Tipping is not a city in China"

"Tipping your waiter is like paying shipping and handling for your food"

Tipsy Palmer or Tipsy Arnold Palmer (cocktail)

Tipsy Tuesday

"Tips are for waiters" (Wall Street adage)

Tip Jar

Tip Sag (pizza slice tip sag)

"Tis the season to be freezin'"

"Tis the sea-sun"

"'Tis the taste that tells the tale"

Titans (professional lacrosse team nickname)

Tits-for-Tots (strip club "pole tax")

T.J. Smaxx (T.J. Maxx nickname)

Tlacoyo

Tlayuda or Clayuda (Oaxacan "Mexican pizza")

TLA (three letter agency)

TLC (Taxi & Limousine Commission; Tender, Loving Care)

Tennessee: Whelp (nickname)

"Toasters are like tanning beds for bread"

"Toasters were the first pop-up notification"

Toaster (Columbia University Law School)

Toast ("burned" football cornerback)

"Toast is just soft bread that has been hurt before"

"Toast is just twice-baked bread"

Toast (sports slang)

Tobacco Onions

"To beer or not to beer, that's a stupid question -- Shakesbeere"

TOBO or TURBO (turkey on bagel omelet)

"Today's good mood is brought to you by coffee"

"Today's good mood is sponsored by coffee"

"Today's gossip is tomorrow's headline"

"Today's plan? Drink coffee and be awesome"

"Today a peacock, tomorrow a feather duster" (business axiom)

"Today is a gift -- that's why it's called the present"

"Today is International Women's Day" (joke)

"Today is one of those days where even my coffee needs coffee"

"Today/Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one"

"Today I bought a cupcake without sprinkles. Diets are hard"

"Today I learned that 'Wet Floor' signs are not a request"

"Today, I will be as useless as the 'g' in lasagna"

"Today I will be happier than a bird with a french fry"

"Today we march, tomorrow we vote"

Toddy (Hot Toddy)

Tofucken (tofu + turducken)

"Tofu is overrated. It's just a curd to me"

"Tofu is really kung fu for toes"

"Tofu is really kung fu for toes"

"Together Everyone Achieves More" (TEAM)

Toilet Paper of Record (New York Times nickname)

Toilet Paper (or, Medicated Paper)

Toilet-to-Tap (recycled water)

Tomahawk Dunk (basketball shot)

Tomatonaise (tomato + mayonnaise)

"Tomato soup is just a hot fruit smoothie"

Tombstone Agency

Tombs Prison (and the "Bridge of Sighs")

"Tomorrow -- a mystical land where 99% of human productivity is stored"

"Tomorrow doesn't care what today's food tasted like"

"Tomorrow Happens Here" (SXSW slogan)

"Tom's Diner" (Nov. 18, 1981; 1984, 1987)

TomTato (tomato + potato)

"Tom Landry is such a perfectionist he'd expect Raquel Welch to cook"

Tom Turkey

Tony Award

"Took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name"

Tools of Ignorance (baseball catcher's equipment)

TOOTBLAN (Thrown Out On The Basepaths Like A Nincompoop)

"Toothpaste before orange juice equals death"

Tootsie Roll

"Tootsie Rolls are just chocolate Starbursts"

"Toot and scramble" (tout ensemble)

"Too bad alcohol isn't heavily discounted the day after St. Patrick's Day"

"Too big to comply"

"Too big to fail" (TBTF)

"Too big to jail"

"Too big to prosecute"

"Too caustic? To hell with the cost, we'll make the picture anyway"

"Too close to call"

"Too cool for school"

"Too dumb for New York City, too ugly for L.A."

"Too good to check" (journalism adage)

"Too many chiefs and not enough Indians"

"Too many people do weightlifting with the wrong equipment - a knife and fork"

"Too many people do weightlifting with the wrong equipment - a knife and fork"

"Too many people miss the silver lining because they're expecting gold"

"Too much ain't enough" (Lone Star Cafe, NYC; Darrell Royal)

"Too much ain't enough" (Lone Star Cafe slogan)

"Too much attention to the pigskin doesn't help the sheepskin" (sports vs. academics)

"'Too much milk left need more cereal' always leads to 'too much cereal need more milk'"

"Too much Monday, not enough coffee"

"Too much Monday, not enough coffee"

"Too old for Snapchat and too young for Life Alert"

"Too poor to paint and too proud to whitewash"

"Too small to bail"

"Too soon!" (comedy saying)

Too Stupid for Arby's (Transportation Security Administration or TSA nickname)

"Too thin to plow, too thick to drink" (Rio Grande)

Toppy

"Tops are a process and bottoms are an event" (Wall Street adage)

"Top 3 situations that require witnesses: 1) Crimes 2) Accidents 3) Marriages. Need I say more?"

Top Banana & Second Banana

Top Dollar

Top of Texas (Pampa slogan)

Top Shelf (premium or best quality liquor)

Tornado Alley

"Tornado warning in central Texas! Everyone head to Cowboys Stadium. No chance of a touchdown there"

Torpedo Sandwich

Tortilla

Tortilla Chip

Tortilla Chips and Salsa (State Snack)

Tortilla Curtain & Cactus Curtain

Tortilla Soup or Sopa de Tortilla (Aztec Soup or Sopa Azteca)

Torture All Kids Severely ("TAKS" backronym)

Torygraph (Telegraph nickname)

Tosc-Mex or Tusc-Mex (Tuscany, Italy + Tex-Mex cuisine)

Tostada Burger

Tostada (Tostado)

Totalitolerance (totalitarian + tolerance)

Totally Stupid Assholes (Tranportation Security Administration or TSA nickname)

Total Sexual Assault (Transportation Security Administration or TSA nickname)

Totchos (tater tots + nachos)

Totopo

TOTUS (Teleprompter Of The United States)

Touch Football

"Tougher than a two-dollar steak"

"Toughest job I ever had was as a door to door salesman, selling doors" (joke)

Toughest Town in Texas (Luling slogan)

Tough Shit, America (Transportation Security Administration or TSA nickname)

"Tough times don't last, tough people do"

"Tough tomatoes!"

"Tourists are terrorists with cameras; terrorists are tourists with guns"

Tour de Brooklyn

Tout TV

Townie (tart + brownie)

Town Without a Frown (Happy slogan)

Toxicana (Texarkana nickname)

Toxic City (Texas City nickname)

Toxic Hell (Taco Bell nickname)

Toxic Smell (Taco Bell nickname)

Toy District (Toy Center)

"To anger a conservative, lie to him: to anger a liberal, tell him the truth"

"To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I'm making my house into an Italian restaurant"

"To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I'm making my house into an Italian restaurant"

"To be a success in business, be daring, be first, be different"

"To be disillusioned, one first must be illusioned"

"To be Irish is to know that, in the end, the world will break your heart"

"To be old and wise, you must first be young and stupid"

"To be scary on Halloween, carry a school fundraising packet to every door"

"To be successful, you have to have your heart in your business, and your business in your heart"

"To be the best, you have to play the best"

"To be yourself in a world trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment"

"To brie or not to brie" (cheese pun)

"To conquer a nation, first disarm its citizens"

"To die for" (an excellent food dish)

"To do important work, two things are necessary: a plan and not quite enough time"

"To eat is human; to digest, divine"

"To eat is human; to drink wine, divine"

"To err is human. To arr is pirate"

"To err is human; to blame it on someone else shows management potential"

"To err is human; to forgive is against company policy"

"To err is human; to hedge divine" (Wall Street proverb)

"To err is human, yet we must prove that we are not robots by entering captions flawlessly"

"To feel 'fit as a fiddle,' you must tone down your middle"

"To finish first, first you must finish" (auto racing adage)

"To get along, go along" (Sam Rayburn)

"To give the news impartially, without fear or favor" (New York Times)

"To go forward, put it in D; to go backward, put it in R" (D=drive, Democrat; R=reverse, Republican)

"To handle yourself, use your head; to handle others, use your heart"

"To have your head in the sand, you have to first be on your knees"

"To hell with the Constitution when the people want coal!"

"To Insure Promptness" ("tip" false etymology)

"To know and not to do is not to know"

"To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize" (Voltaire?)

"To live is to change, and to be perfect is to have changed often"

"To lose weight, go to a paint store. You can get thinner there"

"To lose weight, go to a paint store. You can get thinner there"

"To make me happy: Make me coffee, bring me coffee, be coffee….coffee"

"To me, 'drink responsibly' means don't spill it"

"To my customer: I may not have the answer, but I'll find it..."

"To speculate in Wall Street when you are no longer an insider, is like buying cows by candlelight"

"To stay healthy this spring I'm only going to eat the white part of the Cadbury's Creme Eggs"

"To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner" (joke)

"To the guy who found my empty wallet... I don't know how to repay you"

"To the people who lose one shoe on the highway: Please tell me what the rest of your life is like"

"To the right of Ivan the Terrible/ Attila the Hun/ Genghis Khan"

"To the victor belongs the spoils" (Spoils System)

"To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world"

"To thrive in life you need three bones: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone"

"To try when there is little hope is to risk failure. Not to try at all is to guarantee it"

TPTB or PTB (The Powers That Be)

TPTSB or PTSB (The Powers That Shouldn't Be)

Track Pizza

Track Town, USA (Eugene nickname)

"Traders drive Chevrolets, investors drive Cadillacs"

"Traders would cut your heart out for an eighth of a point" (Wall Street saying)

Trader Hoe's (Trader Joe's nickname)

Trader Vic's Columbia (cocktail)

"Trade follows the flag"

"Trade him for a six pack. It doesn’t even have to be cold"

"Trade the first day, and stay away"

"Trade wars are tariffying" (tariff + terrifying)

"Trade what you see, not what you think"

"Tradition never graduates"

"Traffic and weather together" (on the "1s" or "8s")

Traffic Court

"Traffic is like real life buffering"

"Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines"

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger; comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die"

Tragic Number

Trail Mix

"Trail mix is just M&M's with obstacles"

"Trail them, nail them and jail them" ("Surveil them, nail them and jail them")

"Training is like wrestling a gorilla. You don’t stop when you’re tired"

Training Table

Trainmageddon or Trainageddon (train + Armageddon)

"Trains are just boring rollercoasters"

"Trains are just horizontal elevators" ("Trains are just sideways elevators")

Trainwreck (Texas Natural Resource Conservation Commission or TNRCC nickname)

"Train because you love your body, not because you hate it"

"Train, don't strain" (exercise adage)

"Train insane or remain the same"

Traitorcrat (traitor + bureaucrat/Democrat)

Transfarency (transparency + fare)

"Transformation happens on the other side of surrender"

Translaptation (translation + adaptation)

Transportation (Second Avenue Subway; Lower Manhattan link to JFK)

"Traps for the chaps" (weightlifting saying)

TRAP Law or TRAP Bill (Targeted Regulation of Abortion Providers)

Trashed Tuesday (Trashy Tuesday)

Trashuries (trash + Treasuries)

Trashy Tuesday (Tuesday night gay bar-hopping in Dallas)

"Travel is the only thing you buy that makes you richer"

Trayvonista (Trayvon Martin + -ista)

Tray Stackers Association (Transportation Security Administration or TSA nickname)

Treadmill of Mediocrity (Mediocrity Treadmill)

Treasoncrat (treason + bureaucrat/Democrat)

Treason magazine (Reason magazine nickname)

Treasure Island of America (Galveston nickname)

Treaty Oak (of Austin)

"Treat new plays like classics and classics like new plays"

"Treat the janitor the same way you treat the CEO"

Tree-hugger

Tree of Hope

Trekathon (trek + marathon)

"Tremendously Grateful It's Friday" (TGIF)

Tremonter (inhabitant of Tremont, Bronx)

"Trend is not destiny"

"Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again."

Tres Leches (three milks cake)

Triangle Numbers (a player's height, weight and speed)

TriBeCa (Triangle Below Canal Street)

Tribecan (inhabitant of Tribeca, Manhattan)

Tribeca Design District

Triburbia

Trickle-Down Economics

"Trick or Treat" ("Trick or Treat for UNICEF")

"Trick or treat, bags of sweets, ghosts are walking down the street"

"Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat"

Tricolor Salad (Insalata Tricolore)

"Tried to start a dating site for chickens, but it didn't work out. It was hard to make hens meet"

"Trillion is the new billion"

"Trimming the tree with happy hearts, that's the way the holiday starts"

Triple A-Stros (Houston Astros nickname)

Triple Bottom Line

Triple Bypass Tour (Lockhart's Black's Barbecue, Kreuz Barbecue, Smitty's Market)

Triple-double (basketball statistic)

Triple H (hazy, hot and humid)

Triple Threat (acting, singing, dancing)

Triple Threat (football)

Triple Witching Hour/Day (Quadruple Witching Hour/Day)

"Tris for the guys" (weightlifting saying)

Tri-State Area (NY, NJ, CT)

Troika (European Commission, European Central Bank, International Monetary Fund)

(Trolley) Dodgers (National League baseball team, now in Los Angeles)

Trolley Series (1889 World Series, Brooklyn Bridegrooms vs. New York Giants)

Tropical Playground of Texas (Harlingen nickname)

"Trouble is only opportunity in work clothes"

Troy: Boston Shake (Boston Milkshake)

Troy: Collar City (nickname)

Troy: Laundryville (nickname)

"Truckin'" or "Truck on Down" (1935)

"Trucks carrying beef and beans collided. It caused chili con carnage"

"True beauty is within -- for example, opening your fridge"

"True friendship is when you walk into their house and your WiFi connects automatically"

True Happiness Ended Since It Started ("thesis" backronym)

"True terror is waking one morning and discovering your high school class running the country"

True York City (true + New York City)

"Trust because you are willing to accept the risk, not because it’s safe or certain"

"Trust is good, control is better"

"Trust is hard to earn and easy to lose"

"Trust is like an eraser -- it gets smaller and smaller after every mistake"

"Trust is like virginity -- once you lose it, it's lost forever"

"Trust me, you can dance. -- Vodka"

"Trust the process"

"Trust your neighbor, but brand your cattle"

Truther or Troofer/Trufer (9/11 Truth movement follower)

Truthtard (truther + retard)

Truth Bomb (Truth Bomber; Truth Bombing)

"Truth has no agenda"

"Truth has no expiration date" ("Truth never perishes")

"Truth is a debit card -- pay first, enjoy later. Lie is a credit card -- enjoy first, pay later"

"Truth is treason in the empire of lies"

"Truth, Justice and the Comics" (New York Newsday)

Trylon and Perisphere (1939); Unisphere (1964)

"Try and fail, but don't fail to try"

"Try is a small word that makes a big difference"

"Try Organic Food...or as your grandparents called it, 'food'"

"Try Relying Upon Steps and Traditions" ("trust" backronym)

Try Walking Across or Try Walking Again (Trans World Airlines or TWA nickname)

Tube Steak (Tubesteak)

"Tuck Fexas"

Tudor City

"Tuesday isn't so bad. It's a sign that I've somehow survived Monday"

"Tuesday is just Monday's ugly sister"

"Tuesday is just second Monday"

Tulipcoin (tulip mania + bitcoin)

Tump

Tuna Noodle Casserole

Tungsten Territory (Broadway)

Tunnelgeddon (tunnel + Armageddon)

Tunnel of Fudge Cake

Turbaconducken (Turducken wrapped in bacon)

Turboparalysis

Turbo Tuesday

Turducken (Churkendoose; Chuckey; Churkey; Qua-duc-ant; Osturducken)

Turd Blossom

Turd Sandwich

Turketarian or Turkeytarian (turkey eater)

"Turkeys don't vote for Christmas"

Turkey (a flop production); Turkey Show

Turkey Dance (Thanksgiving football sack dance) & Funky Chicken Dance

Turkey Day (Thanksgiving Day)

Turkey Manhattan & Roast Beef Manhattan

Turkey Tamale Pie (Turkey Tamales)

Turkish Day Parade

Turnaround Tuesday

Turnkey Tyranny

"Turn Around, Don't Drown" (flash flood warning)

"Turn in your weapons. The government will take care of you"

"Turn out the lights. The party's over"

"Turn the key, be idle free" (anti-idling slogan)

"Turn your sets off there" (an insurmountable lead)

"Turn your worry into worship and watch God turn your battles into blessings"

Tuttorosso Pasta Eating Competition

Tuxedo Park: Tuxedo (clothing)

Twatzi (Twitter + twat + Nazi)

TWA Tea (dirty joke)

Twecipe (Twitter recipe)

Tweeding or Tweeded (after William M. Tweed)

Tweezer Food

"Twelve-Thirty"(1968)

Twenty-Three Skidoo (23rd Street myth)

Twerk (redneck for "to work")

Twice as Nice & Where Life Is So Large It Takes Two States (Texarkana slogans)

Twidiocracy (Twitter + idiocracy)

Twinkies (Twin Donut's donut holes)

"Twinkle, twinkle, little star. Point me to the nearest bar"

Twin Cities (Minneapolis and St. Paul)

Twiplomacy (Twitter + diplomacy)

Twisted Tuesday

"Twitter becomes 100 times more entertaining when you have work to do"

"Twitter makes you love people you've never met; Facebook makes you hate people you actually know"

Twofer

"Two and barbecue"

"Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married" (joke)

"Two bacteria walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest"

"Two blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would have seen it"

Two Bridges

"Two Canadian body builders were working out at the gym..." (joke)

"Two can eat as cheaply as one"

"Two cats sit on a roof. Which falls off first?"/"The one with the smaller mu."

Two Cents Plain

"Two chemists walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two choices: take it or leave it" (food menu joke)

"Two clowns are eating a cannibal" (joke)

"Two condoms walk past a gay bar..." (joke)

"Two conspiracy theorists die and go to heaven..." (9/11 joke)

"Two Corinthians walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two deer walk out of a gay bar..." (bar joke)

"Two dragons walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba-Dum-Tss"

"Two elephants and a snake fall off a cliff. Boom-Boom-Tss"

"Two elephants and cymbals fall off a cliff. Boom-Boom-Tss"

"Two elephants walk off a cliff. Boom boom!"

"Two faces and a ball" (sports photography rule)

Two Face (chocolate and rainbow sprinkles)

"Two fermions walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two Jews, three opinions"

Two Left Feet (clumsy at dancing)

"Two managers talk to each other"

"Two men walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two men walk into a bar. The first orders H2O..." (bar joke)

Two-Napkin, Three-Napkin, Four-Napkin or Five-Napkin Burger

Two New Yorks; Other New York; How the Other Half Lives

"Two oranges walk into a bar..." (joke)

"Two-out hits will get you to heaven" (baseball adage)

"Two overachievers walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two peanuts were walking down the street -- one was assaulted" (joke)

"Two penguins walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two people lectured me on brown bread. I think they're Hovis witnesses"

"Two quotation marks 'walk into' a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two random variables were talking in a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two reasons we don't trust people: 1. We don't know them, 2. We know them"

"Two reasons why I don't give money to homeless people..." (joke)

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -- I took the one with a Starbucks drive-thru"

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -- I took the one with a Starbucks drive-thru"

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -- I took the one with tacos"

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -- I took the one with tacos"

"Two seasons -- winter and August"

"Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie"

"Two things are important in politics: The first is money and I can't remember the second"

"Two vampires walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two whales walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two wings of the same bird of prey"

"Two women walk into a bar and talk about the Bechdel test..." (bar joke)

"Two words on how to pitch -- throw strikes" (baseball saying)

"Two zombies were at a graduation party. One asked, 'How was the grad you ate?'"

TWTW (The Will To Win)

Tylerite (inhabitant of Tyler)

"Tyler and Texas!"

Typhoid Mary

Typing Pool or Stenography Pool (press corps nickname)

Tyranny of Good Intentions