A plaque remaining from the Big Apple Night Club at West 135th Street and Seventh Avenue in Harlem.

Above, a 1934 plaque from the Big Apple Night Club at West 135th Street and Seventh Avenue in Harlem. Discarded as trash in 2006.

Recent entries:
“Coffee. Teach. Repeat.” (5/21)
“Dear Lord, thank you for these noodles. Ramen” (5/21)
“Coffee. Wine. Sleep. Repeat” (5/21)
“A waffle without the letter W is just awful” (5/21)
“Take the W out of Waffle House and it’s just Awful House” (5/21)
More new entries...

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H2NO (H2O/water + no)

Hack-a-Player or Hack-a-Shaq (basketball foul strategy)

"Hack in black (robes)" (activist judge)

"Had no idea why my salad was $175, then the waiter said that they only use beets by Dre"

Had One Never Did Again (Honda backronymic nickname)

Hail Mary (1975 Roger Staubach pass)

Haines Bottom (call of a market bottom on March 10, 2009)

Hairbag (veteran police officer)

"Haircuts for New Yorkers" (Dramatics NYC)

Haircut Street (Pell Street)

Hairy Man (Bigfoot/Sasquatch-type legend)

"Hairy vine, no friend of mine" (poison ivy adage)

"Hair, Horns and Holler" (ingredients of a cowboy stew)

"Hakuna Ma'Vodka. It means no memories"

Halfmoon: Solar Town, USA (nickname)

Halftime Flush or Super Bowl Flush (bathroom break during halftime)

Halfway House or Half-Way House (Anthony nickname)

Half-and-Half (dairy product)

Half-and-Half Pizza

Half-and-Half (sweet tea + unsweetened iced tea)

Half-Baked

Half Marathon

"Half of Louisiana is under water and the other half is under indictment"

Half Of My Energy Wasted On Random Knowledge ("homework" backronym)

Half-Smoke

"Half the game is mental, the other half is being mental"

"Half the money spent on advertising is wasted, but no one knows which half"

Halloweekend (Halloween + weekend)

Hall of Fame for Great Americans

Haloodie (halal + foodie)

HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired)

Hamburger

"Hamburgers love classical music. They go to the Meatropolitan Opera House and Cownegie Hall"

"Hamburgers love classical music. They go to the Meatropolitan Opera House and Cownegie Hall"

Hamburger Bun

Hamburger Disease (hemolytic uremic syndrome)

Hamburger & Fletcher Davis of Athens, TX ("Original Home of the Hamburger"?)

"Hamburger patties are really just meatloaf cookies"

Hamburger Restaurant

Hamburger with everything; Hot Dog with everything; Pizza with everything

Hamburger with mustard and without ketchup (Cowboy Burger; Texas Burger)

Hamburguesa Mexicana (Mexican Burger)

Hamdog (hamburger + hot dog)

"Hamilton started the Treasury with nothing; that's the closest our country has been to being even"

Hamlet on the Hudson (Hamlet of the Hudson)

Hammunition (ham + ammunition)

Hamptons West (Far Rockaway)

Ham and Eggs

Ham Sandwich

Handwich (hand + sandwich)

"Handy as hip pockets on a hog"

Hand Money Over (HMO nickname)

Hanging for murder is played out in New York

Hangman's Elm or Hanging Tree (English Elm in Washington Square Park)

Hangover Breakfast

Hangover Brunch

Hangover (Hang-over)

Hangry (hungry + angry)

"Hang a lantern on your problem"

Hanukkah Gelt

Hanukkah Gelt

Happier Hour

"Happiness is an inside job. Don't assign anyone else that much power over your life"

"Happiness is a cup of coffee and a good book"

"Happiness is a Texan headed south with an Okie under each arm"

"Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whisky -- and a dog to eat the rare steak"

"Happiness is Lubbock, Texas, in my rear view mirror"

"Happiness is not the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them"

"Happiness is the new rich. Inner peace is the new success. Health is the new wealth"

"Happiness lies in our own backyard, but it's probably well hidden by crabgrass"

"Happy Birthday to You...Chinese food!" ("Happy Birthday to You...cha-cha-cha")

"Happy employees make for happy customers"

Happy Hour

"Happy Mexican St. Patrick's Day" (Cinco de Mayo)

Happy Waitress (grilled cheese sandwich with bacon and tomato)

Happy Warrior

"Happy whatever doesn't offend you" (greeting)

Harbor District

Hardball

"Harder than eating red beans with a pitchfork"

Hard Case State (Oregon nickname)

Hard Line (Hard Liner)

"Hard to find four innocent people in New York"

"Hard work beats talent when talent doesn't work hard"

"Hard work is equal to prayer"

"Hard work is the accumulation of easy things you didn't do"

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?" (joke)

"Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now"

"Harelips the governor" ("hare-lips the governor")

Hare Krishna Tree (American Elm in Tompkins Square Park)

Harlemite (inhabitant of Harlem)

Harlem's Beale Street (West 133rd Street)

Harlem's Cathedral (St. Charles Borromeo Church)

Harlem's jazz musicians (1930s)

Harlem's Main Street, or the Buckle of Harlem's Black Belt (125th Street)

Harlem's Restaurant Row (Frederick Douglass Boulevard)

Harlem Apple (cocktail)

Harlem Big Apple Club Plaque Removed (2006)

Harlem Globetrotters

Harlem Hilton (FDNY Engine 69, Ladder 28)

"Harlem of the West" (San Diego, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Chicago)

Harlem Shake (2001 dance)

Harlem Shake (2013 videos)

Harlem Shuffle

Harlem Week

Harlingenite (inhabitant of Harlingen)

Harm City

Harvard of the South (Rice University nickname)

Harvard on the Border (UTEP nickname)

Harvard-on-the-Brazos (Baylor, Texas A&M nickname)

Harvard on the Highway (San Jacinto College nickname)

Harvard on the Neches (Lamar University nickname)

Hashtivist (hashtag + activist)

Hash Brownie

Hash Browns

"Hash browns are just flat tater tots"

Hash Browns (Hash Brown Potatoes; Hashed Brown Potatoes)

Hash-House Greek

Hash House Lingo

"Hasta lasagna, don't get any on ya"

"Hasta la pasta" (hasta la vista + pasta)

"Hasta la pizza" (hasta la vista + pizza)

"Hate injures the hater, not the hated"

Hatriot (hate + patriot)

Hat and T-shirt Victory

"Haunted French pancakes give me the crépes"

"Have a big time in Texas" (Texas slogan)

"Have my doubts about this 'smart water,' considering how easily it's captured and bottled"

"Have saddle, will travel" (horse adage)

"Have to love Easter, baby" (pun on "Hasta la vista, baby")

Have Yachts (from "haves and have nots")

"Have you ever tried blindfolded archery? You don't know what you're missing"

"Have you heard about the cannibal restaurant? Dinner costs an arm and a leg"

"Have you heard about the evil group of men who control all the world’s cheese? The Hallouminati!"

"Have you seen the baked bean website?"/"I've only just got wind of it."

"Have you seen the baked bean website?"/"I've only just got wind of it."

"Have you seen the boxing website?"/"Yes, it really knocked me out!"

"Have you seen the boxing website?"/"Yes, it really knocked me out!"

"Have you seen the bus website?"/"Yes - it's just the ticket!"

"Have you seen the bus website?"/"Yes - it's just the ticket!"

"Have you seen the Dalmatian website?"/"No - haven't spotted it so far."

"Have you seen the dynamite website?"/"Yes, it really blew my mind."

"Have you seen the hypnosis website?"/"Yes, but it put me to sleep."

"Have you seen the new fishing website?"/"No, it's not online yet."

"Have you seen the new fishing website?"/"No, it's not online yet."

"Have you seen the new fruitcake website?"/"Yes - it's my currant favorite!"

"Have you seen the new fruitcake website?"/"Yes - it's my currant favorite!"

"Have you seen the umbrella website?"/"Yes, but it went right over my head."

"Have you stopped beating your wife?" (loaded question)

"Have you tried disabling cookies?"/"Well, I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man!"

"Have you tried disabling cookies?"/"Well, I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man!"

Having Anger Towards Everyone Reaching Success ("haters" backronym)

"Having a beer for breakfast is totally acceptable in an airport"

"Having a beer for breakfast is totally acceptable in an airport"

"Having a soft heart in a cruel world is courage, not weakness"

"Having just punched a midget selling watches, I know I've hit an all time low"

"Having Monday off is a great opportunity to hate Tuesday"

"Having more fun than a human being should be allowed to have"

Hawaiian Pizza (Toast Hawaii)

Hawaii: Aloha State (nickname)

Hawk

Hawks (Hunter College teams)

"Heads in beds" (hospitality saying)

"Heads, I win; Tails, the government will bail me out"

Head-and-Shoulders Pattern

"Head in the oven, feet in the freezer" (statistician joke on "averaging")

"Head of lettuce. That must be a boring job"

"Head of lettuce. That must be a boring job"

Healther

Healthing (health + helping)

Healthonism (health + hedonism); Healthonist

"Healthy eating is a sign of self-respect"

Health Sinner

"Heal the past, live the present, dream the future"

Heartbeat Loan

Heartbreak Hotel (Ramada Plaza JFK Hotel)

Heartbreak Hotel (Ramada Plaza JFK Hotel)

"Heart attack in a bag"

"Heart attack in a bottle" ("Heart attack in a can")

"Heart attack on a bun" ("Cholesterol on a bun")

"Heart attack on a plate" ("Cholesterol on a plate")

"Heart attack on a rack" (biscuits and gravy)

"Heart attack on a stick" ("Cholesterol on a stick")

Heart Of Texas (H.O.T.)

Heart of the Hills (Kerrville slogan)

Heart of the Valley (Donna motto/slogan)

"Hear it now, watch it tonight, read about it tomorrow" (radio-television-newspaper adage)

"Heat makes things expand, so I don't have a weight problem. I'm just hot"

Heavenly Coffee (Not Chock Full O' Nuts?)

Heavenly Hash

Heavenly Houston (Houston nickname)

Heaven and Hell Cake (angel food and devil's food)

"Heaven is where the cooks are French, the policemen are English, the mechanics are German, ..."

Hebrew Enemies (pork chops)

Hechsher

"Heck of a job, Brownie!" or "Heckuva job, Brownie!"

Hedgie

Hedgie Hive (15 Central Park West)

Heeler (Tammany Hall politics)

Heisman Trophy

Helicopter Drop or Helicopter Printing Press ("Helicopter Ben" Bernanke)

Helium City or Helium Capital of the World (Amarillo nickname)

"Helium walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Hello Brooklyn"

Hello Dolly Squares (Hello Dolly Bars; Hello Dolly Cookies; Hello Dolly Cake; Hello Dollies)

"Hello, sucker!" & "Give this little girl a big hand!" (Texas Guinan)

Hellsea (Hell's Kitchen + Chelsea)

Hell's Bedroom

Hells Fargo or Hell's Fargo (Wells Fargo nickname)

Hell's Half Acre (Sands Street; Chatham Square)

Hell's Hundred Acres

Hell's Kitchen

Hell's Kitchener (inhabitant of Hell's Kitchen, Manhattan)

Hell's Kitchenette

Hell's Pantry

"Hell-bent for election"

"He'll do to ride the river with"

"Hell for breakfast" ("Hell-bent for breakfast")

"Hell hath no fury like me when I’m slightly inconvenienced and hungry"

Hell Paso (El Paso nickname)

Hell Square

Hen Coop (the women's page) & the first advice column

Hen Fruit (eggs)

Herald Square and Times Square

Herb

"Here's a bit of advice for you. Advi"

"Here's a house without a flaw" (real estate joke)

"Here's how!" & "Here's looking at you!" (drinking toast)

"Here’s to a long life and a merry one..." (toast)

"Here's to our wives and girlfriends -- may they never meet!" (toast)

"Here’s your Social Security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it"

"Here Comes Mister Softee" (1959)

"Here Everything's Better" & "HEB-ing" or "Hebbing"

"Here I sit, cheeks a-flexin', giving birth to another Texan" (bathroom graffiti)

Herf (draw on a cigar or cigarette)

Herkie Jump (or Herky Jump, after Lawrence Herkimer; incorrectly as Hurkie Jump or Hurky Jump)

"Heroes are made by the paths they choose, not the powers they are graced with"

Heroin Highway (Eighth Avenue; Long Island Expressway)

Heroin Island (heroin + Staten Island)

Hero Ball (basketball style)

Hero Sandwich

Herroner (her honor)

"Hershey's Kisses are just big chocolate chips"

"He's 20. In 10 years, he'll have a chance to be 30" (a bad young player)

"He's a master debater" (joke on "masturbator")

"He's got more guts than you can hang on a fence"

"He's smoking at a gas station because he's about to blow up!"

"He's so dumb, he stayed up all night studying for a urine test"

"He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front"

"Hey autocorrect, quit tampering with my curse words, you mother forklift"

"Hey, bartender!"

"Hey girl, are you a parked car?" (joke)

"Hey girl, are you a parking ticket?" (joke)

"Hey girl, are you in the proletariat? Because I feel an uprising in my lower class"

"Hey, hey! Ho, ho! (Person/thing) has got to go!" (protest chant)

"Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open"

"Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business again"

"Hey, what are you doing in the supermarket?" (joke)

"He ain't fit to tote guts to a bear"

"He broke into song because he couldn't find the key"

"He can jump out of the gym" (cliché said of athletic NBA, NFL draft prospect)

"He can run, but he can't hide" ("You can run, but you can't hide")

"He can take his'n and beat your'n, or take your'n and beat his'n" (coaching adage)

"He cast down ten commandments. The two most important are..." (TV news joke)

"He couldn't find a Jew in the Bronx"

"He couldn't hit a bull in the butt with a banjo"

"He couldn't sell watermelons with the highway patrol blocking traffic"

"He could sell ice to an Eskimo" (a good salesman)

"He could sell sand in the Sahara desert" (a good salesman)

"He gave a fireside chat and the fire went out" (joke)

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire"

"He hits from both sides of the plate. He's amphibious"

"He is a big clog in their machine"

"He is a man of his most recent word"

"He made so many of them" (Daily News Building quote)

"He/She makes coffee nervous" (a very energetic and nervous person)

"He may be a son of a bitch, but he's our son of a bitch"

"He may not be in a class by himself, but it doesn't take long to call the roll"

"He puts his pants on one leg at a time" (he's human)

"He said, 'You remind me of a pepper pot.' I said, 'I'll take that as a condiment'"

"He should be left back...in the changing rooms" (soccer joke)

"He speaks English with the flawless imperfection of a New Yorker"

"He squeezes a nickel so tight the Indian cries" (he's cheap)

"He squeezes a quarter so tight the eagle screams" (he's cheap)

"He stops, pops and it drops" (basketball phrase)

"He was addicted to cowboy line dancing and entered a two-step program"

"He was addicted to cowboy line dancing and entered a two-step program"

"He wears glasses during math because it improves division"

"He who casts the first stone...isn't coming fishing again"

"He who dies with the most toys, still dies"

"He who dies with the most toys wins"

"He who feels that he is too small to make a difference has never been bitten by a mosquito"

"He who forgets the language of gratitude can never be on speaking terms with happiness"

"He who frames the issue wins the debate"

"He who goes to bed hungry dreams of pancakes"

"He who has a thing to sell and goes and whispers in a well..."

"He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree"

"He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the next exit"

"He who indulges, bulges"

"He who is content with his lot probably has a lot"

"He who kills time murders opportunity"

"He who opens a school door, closes a prison gate"

"He who sells what isn't his'n, must buy it back or go to prison"

"He who speaks first loses" (negotiating adage)

"He who tampers with the currency robs labor of its bread"

"He who thanks with lips thanks but in part; the full, the true Thanksgiving comes from the heart"

"He who works with his hands and his head is a craftsman..."

Hick Hop

Hide-and-Speak (electronic constituent communications)

"Hide from wind, run from water" (hurricane adage)

"Higher education helps your earning capacity. Ask any college professor."

Highest Town in Texas -- Where the Stars Come Out to Play (Fort Davis slogan)

Highlanders (American League baseball team, later called Yankees)

Highly Trained Broadcast Specialist (radio talk show host)

Highway of Death (Texas State Highway 195)

Highway of Light (1920s air route, New York to San Francisco)

High Finance

High Five Friday

High-rise

"High school teams adjust next game; college teams next half; NFL teams next series"

High-Speed Swim Lane (HSSL or "hustle")

"High taxes don't redistribute income, they redistribute people"

High Tech Happy Hour (Low Tech Happy Hour)

Hilltoppers (American League baseball team, later called Yankees)

"Hill of beans"

Hindenburg Omen

Hindoo or Hindu (handball term)

Hipchester (Williamsburg and Greenpoint)

"Hippies use side door" (restaurant sign)

Hippie Church ("gospel brunch" in Austin)

Hippie Punching

Hippie Roll or Hippy Roll (Eppie Roll or Eppy Roll)

Hippie Sandwich (Hippie Burger)

Hippie School (P.S.3-The Charrette School nickname)

Hippo Capital of Texas (Hutto nickname)

Hipster Express (Knowit Express buses from Brooklyn to Washington, DC nickname)

Hipster Express (L train nickname)

"Hipster ghosts are too ghoul for school"

Hipster Industrial Complex

Hipstrict (hipster + district)

Hipsturbia (hipster +suburbia)

Hip-Hop

"Hip hop onions are rap scallions"

Hip Hop Theater Festival

"Hire character. Train skill."

"Hire teenagers now, while they still know everything"

Hispandering (Hispanic + pandering)

Hispennial (Hispanic + millennial)

Historic Harlem Parks Film Festival

"Historic preservationists make it last longer" (bumper sticker)

"History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme"

"History flows forward on rivers of beer"

"History is a set of lies agreed upon"

"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn't sleep during office hours"

"His limitations are limitless"

"His Prices Are Insane!" (Crazy Eddie)

"His shooting range starts when he enters the gym" (basketball saying)

"Hitters don't hit home runs -- pitchers throw them" (baseball adage)

"Hitting is contagious" (baseball adage)

"Hitting is timing; pitching is upsetting timing" (baseball adage)

"Hit and don't get hit" (boxing axiom)

"Hit hard, run fast, turn left" (baseball/softball advice)

"Hit Sign, Win Suit" (Abe Stark's Clothing Store)

"Hit the books" (to study)

"Hit the spot" (satisfy hunger or thirst)

"Hit what you see and see what you hit" (football adage)

Hizzoner (his honor)

"HI, HOW ARE YOU" (Daniel Johnston artwork)

Hi Sign (Hidy Sign; One-Finger Wave; Medina Wave; Texas Finger Wave)

Hillmen (American League baseball team, later called Yankees)

Hoagie (sandwich)

Noah's Boy (ham)

Hoaxiversary (hoax + anniversary)

Hoboken Special (pineapple soda and chocolate ice cream)

HOBO (ham on bagel omelet)

"Hockey is figure skating in a war zone"

"Hockey is for everyone" (NHL slogan)

Hockey on Horseback (polo nickname)

"Hockey players have fire in their hearts and ice in their veins"

Hockey Puck (a burger, especially a hamburger cooked "well done")

Hocto Dog or Hoctodog (octopus hot dog)

Hodger

Hoffman House (cocktail)

HoHo (Houston + Holland Tunnel)

Hokey Pokey (ice cream)

Hold On Pain Ends ("hope" backronym)

Holiday Pounds

Hollow Prize

Hollywood East (Astoria; Long Island City)

Hollywood on the Hudson (proposed Hudson River pier)

Hollywood South (New Orleans nickname)

"Holy cow!" (Yankee announcer Phil Rizzuto catchphrase)

Holy Grail of Liberalism (tax increases)

"Holy guacamole!"; "Holy cannoli!"

"Holy jalapeño!"

"Holy mackerel!"

"Holy shiitake!"

Holy Shit Bank Corrupt (HSBC nickname)

Holy Shit Buffalo's Cold (HSBC nickname)

Holy Shit my Bank's Chinese (HSBC nickname)

Holy Trinity (onions, celery, bell peppers in Louisiana cuisine)

Hombre & Bad Hombre Eggs

"Homebrewing is my hobby; beer is my reward"

"Homeless are people are the best activists. They're always asking for change!"

"Homemade with love. In other words, I licked the spoon and kept using it"

"Homework: Because 7 hours of school wasn't enough"

"Homework: If it goes too easy, you're doing it wrong"

Home Cheapo (Home Depot nickname)

Home Despot (Home Depot nickname)

"Home is where our story begins"

"Home is where the free food is"

"Home is where the heart is"

"Home is where the mortgage is"

"Home is where the Wi-Fi connects automatically"

Home of Happy Feet/The Track (Savoy Ballroom nicknames)

Home of Hilton's First Hotel (Cisco slogan)

"Home of the 7 oz. Burger" (Jackson Hole)

"Home of the free 72-oz. steak" (Big Texan Steak Ranch in Amarillo)

Home of the Grapefruit (Mission slogan)

Home of the Haze (Washington Heights)

Home of the Hereford (Albany slogan)

Home of the Oatmeal Festival (Bertram slogan)

Home of the Painted Churches (Schulenburg nickname)

"Home of Warm Beer, Lousy Food, and an Ugly Owner" (Waterfront Ale House)

Home Run Apple

"Home run hitters drive Cadillacs and singles hitters drive Fords"

"Home, sweet home"

"Home Sweet Homeroom" ("Home Sweet Classroom")

"Hominy, sir?"/"Oh, about four or five." (Northerner ordering grits)

"Honestly, I’ve never seen anyone fall because of a banana peel"

"Honesty in politics is like oxygen -- the higher up you go, the scarcer it becomes"

"Honesty is a very expensive gift. Don't expect it from cheap people"

"Honesty is not only morally right, it's also highly efficient"

"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is the best defense"

Honest Politician (when bought, stays bought)

Honeymoon Salad (lettuce alone and no dressing)

Honey Do List ("Honey, do this; honey, do that")

Hong Kong Dragon Boat Festival

Hong Kong on the Hudson (Hudson Yards)

Honku (honk + hailku)

Honky Tonk (not from Tonk pianos)

"Honk if I'm an Aggie" (bumper sticker)

"Honk if I'm paying your mortgage" (bumper sticker)

"Honk if you love Jesus. Text if you want to meet him" (bumper sticker)

"Honk if you love peace and quiet" (bumper sticker)

Honorary Texan

Hoofer (a dancer)

Hooker

"Hooker: Would you like super sex? Old Timer: I'll have the soup!"

"Hook "Em Horns" & "Hook 'Em Cows"

Hoop-and-the-Harm (a basket and a foul shot)

"Hooverville" (1930)

"Hoover Hog," "Poor Man's Pig," "Poverty Pig" (armadillo nicknames)

Hope Bubble

Hope Island (Broadway and West 47th Street, outside Palace Theatre)

Hope Island (Broadway and West 47th Street, outside Palace Theatre)

"Hope is a lousy hedge" ("Hope is a poor hedge")

"Hope is your worst enemy in the market"

"Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible"

Hoping your news is good news

Hopium (hope + opium)

Hopkins County Stew

Hoppin' John or Hopping John (Limping Kate; Limping Susan)

Horchata

Horndog High (James Madison High School nickname)

"Horn broke -- watch for finger" (bumper sticker)

Horrible Horseshoe & Hogan's Alley (Colonial Country Club, Fort Worth)

"Horrifying Vegetarians Since 1980" (The Post House)

"Horsepower is what you read about, but torque is what you feel" (automotive saying)

Horseshit Beach (Orchard Beach)

Horseshoe Sandwich

Horse Ballet (dressage nickname)

"Horse high, bull strong, and pig tight" (qualities of a Texas fence)

"Horse meat burgers won't be around furlong"

Horse Opera

"Horse sense is what keeps horses from betting on people"

"Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces"

"Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were"

"Hospitals don't have patients; doctors have patients and hospitals have doctors"

"Hotel as Theater" (Royalton Hotel)

"Hotel — A place where you pay dollars for quarters"

Hotel for Autos

Hotel Goldman (Embassy Suites nickname)

Hotlanta

"Hotter than a Laredo parking lot" (Dan Rather, election night 2000)

"Hotter Than a Stolen Tamale;" "Hotter Than a Fur Coat in Marfa"

"Hotter than donut grease"

Hotumn (hot + autumn)

"Hot air balloon lands in a field" (accountant/ economist/ mathematician joke)

Hot and Sour Soup

Hot-Button Issue

"Hot chocolate is like a hug from the inside"

Hot Chubbies (sausages by Nemecek Brothers of West, Texas)

"Hot coffee and cold winter mornings are two of the best soul mates"

"Hot diggety dog" ("Hot diggity dog")

Hot Doggery

Hot Dogs at Baseball Games

"Hot dogs, cold beer -- it's not complicated" (Schnack)

"Hot dogs taste better at the ball park"

"Hot dogs taste better when the home team wins"

Hot Dog Diplomacy

Hot Dog & Mustard

Hot Dog (Polo Grounds myth & original monograph)

Hot Dog Roll

Hot dog served with white gloves (myth)

"Hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk"

Hot Guts (Elgin, TX hot sausage)

Hot Hamburger

Hot Mineral Water City of Texas (Marlin nickname)

HOT! NYC Celebration of Queer Culture

Hot Sauce Blue Cheese or Hot Sauce Bleu Cheese (HSBC nickname)

Hot Sauce Festival (Austin Chronicle)

"Hot sauce in my bag"

Hot Tub (Washington, D.C. nickname)

Housemade

House of Countless Drops (bar)

House of Death (14 West 10th Street)

House of Reprehensibles (House of Representatives nickname)

"House to let, inquire within; people turned out for drinking gin"

"Housing IS the business cycle"

Houstonian (inhabitant of Houston)

Houstonite (inhabitant of Houston)

Houstonize ("Don't Houstonize Austin")

"Houston's Hot"

Houston's Plymouth Rock & Houston's Heart (Allen's Landing)

Houston Barnacle or Houston Barnicle (Houston Chronicle nickname)

Houston Chronic (Houston Chronicle nickname)

Houston Comical (Houston Chronicle nickname)

Houston Crummyicle (Houston Chronicle nickname)

Houston Hot Sauce Festival

"Houston is Los Angeles with the climate of Calcutta" (Molly Ivins?)

"Houston. It's Worth It"

Houston Lite or Baby Houston

Houston Moronicle (Houston Chronicle nickname)

Houston North or Houston of the North or Little Houston (Calgary nickname)

Houston Pest (Houston Post nickname)

"Houston Proud"

Houston Roll (sushi)

Houston Street (Texas "Hew-ston/Heuston" or New York City "House-ton/Howston")

Houston (summary)

Houston (Texas "Hew-ston/Heuston" or New York City "House-ton/Howston")

"Houston -- The Real Texas"

"Houston, we have a problem"

Howard Beacher (inhabitant of Howard Beach. Queens)

Howdy ("Howdy, Pardner!")

"However beautiful the strategy, you should occasionally look at the results"

Howlers (Jalapeño Howlers or Texas Howlers)

HOWL! (Festival of East Village Artists)

"How's my driving?" (bumper sticker)

"How's my running? Call 1-800-EAT-DUST"

"How's the New Year going?"/"Shofar, so good."

"How's the weather up there?" (said to a tall person)

"How’s your day going? Here’s a good way to tell: Is it 'already' 2:00pm or 'only' 2:00pm?"

"How about that!" (Yankee announcer Mel Allen catchphrase)

"How about them cookies?"

How am I doing?

"How are an apple and a lawyer alike?" (lawyer joke)

"How are genders like the Twin Towers?" (joke)

"How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?"

"How 'bout them Cowboys?"

"How can a lighthouse, rose trellis, windstorm, dune & Halloween costume make something tasty?"

"How can they both be right?"/"You're right, too."

"How can you find the Easter bunny?"/"Eggs (x) marks the spot."

"How can you get rich by eating?"/"Eat fortune cookies."

"How can you get rich by eating?"/"Eat fortune cookies."

"How can you get to see the official bird of New York City?"/"Cut someone off."

"How can you help a starving cannibal?"/"Give them a hand."

"How can you make a turkey float?"/"Get 2 ice cream scoops, root beer and a turkey."

"How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?"/"He's Dublin over with laughter!"

"How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?"/"The bow is moving."

"How can you tell when an engineer is an extrovert?"/"He stares at YOUR shoes when he talks to you."

"How can you tell when a lawyer is well hung" (lawyer joke)

"How can you tell when a politician is lying? His lips are moving!"

"How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid?"/"When the other tenors notice."

"How come alcohol never kills brain cells that make me want to drink?"

"How come, if ants are always so busy, they always get time to show up at picnics?"

"How come if ants are always so busy they always get time to show up at picnics?"

"How come, when my wife says 'we need to talk,' it's never about football?"

"How come 'you're a peach' is a compliment but 'you're bananas' is an insult?"

"How could the dolphin afford to buy a house?"/"He prawned everything."

"How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?" (restaurant joke)

"How did rich people get their money?"/"They were calm and collected."

"How did Scrooge win the football game?"/"The ghost of Christmas passed!"

"How did they measure hail before the golf ball was invented?"

"How did the blonde die drinking milk?"/"The cow fell on top of her."

"How did the butcher introduce his wife?"/"Meat Patty!"

"How did the cheesemaker paint his wife?"/"He Double Gloucester."

"How did the eggs leave the highway?"/"They went through the 'eggs-it'."

"How did the eggs leave the highway?"/"They went through the 'eggs-it'."

"How did the hipster burn his tongue?" (joke)

"How did the Irish jig get started?"/"Lots of beer and only one bathroom."

"How did the jury find the hamburger?"/"Grill-ty as charred."

"How did the math teacher kill himself?"/"He used a hypotenuse."

"How did the Mayflower show that it liked America?"/"It hugged the shore."

"How did the person who invented the first clock know what time it was?"

"How did the programmer die in the shower?"/"The shampoo bottle read: Lather. Rinse. Repeat."

"How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?"/"He could feel it in his bones."

"How did the vegan fix her flat?"/"A spare I guess"

"How did you become a star?" (joke)

"How did you find your steak?" (joke)

"How does an attorney sleep?" (lawyer joke)

"How does a capitalist text?"/"BY YELLING."

"How does a computer get drunk?"/"It takes screenshots."

"How does a computer get drunk?"/"It takes screenshots."

"How does a flat earther travel the world?"/"On a plane."

"How does a French woman hold her liquor?"/"By the ears."

"How does a hotel room taste?"/"Suite."

"How does a jazz musician end up with a million dollars?"/"By starting out with two million dollars.

"How does a physicist exercise?"/"By pumping ion."

"How does a rich girl curse?"/"Oh teri Fendi."

"How does a rich girl fart?"/"Praadaa praadaaa."

"How does a rich girl sneeze?"/"Jimmy Choo!"

"How does a turkey drink her wine?"/"In a gobble-let."

"How does Easter end?"/"With the letter R."

"How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?"/"One that's deep pan, crisp and even."

"How does Moses make his tea?"/"Hebrews it."

"How does NASA organize their company parties?"/"They planet."

"How does North Korea celebrate Christmas?"/"With missile tows."

"How does Santa get his reindeer to fly?"/"He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!"

"How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he’s visited?"/"He keeps a log book."

"How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?"

"How does the man in the moon cut his hair?"/"Eclipse it."

"How does the man on the moon cut his hair?"/"Eclipse it."

"How does the Pope get around New York City?"/"Mass transit."

"How does this restaurant prepare the chicken?" (joke)

"How do bees get to school?"/"On the school buzz."

"How do bunnies stay healthy?"/"Eggercise."

"How do bunnies stay in shape?"/"Hareobics."

"How do chickens dance?"/"Chick to chick."

"How do comedians send messages?"/"By tee-hee mail."

"How do construction workers party?"/"They raise the roof."

"How do elves eat their pancakes?"/"In short stacks."

"How do fish celebrate Christmas?"/"By hanging reefs on the door."

"How do flags greet each other on a windy day?"/"They wave."

"How do German breads greet each other?/"By saying 'Gluten Tag!'"

"How do ghosts like their eggs?"/"Terri-fried."

"How do hens encourage their football teams?"/"They egg them on."

"How do I like my eggs? Umm, in a cake"

"How do know a clarinet player is playing loud?"/"You can almost hear them."

"How do Mexican keep warm?"/"They use chicken for heaters."

"How do pirates communicate with each other?"/"With an aye phone."

"How do snowmen travel around?"/"By icicle."

"How do they charge you in a Chinese restaurant?"/"Perpetuate."

"How do trains drink?"/"They chug."

"How do trains drink?"/"They chug."

"How do trees feel in the spring?"/"Releaved."

"How do trees get on the internet?"/"They log in."

"How do weathermen get up a mountain?"/"They climate."

"How do you begin a politically incorrect joke?"/"President Ben Franklin walks into a bar..."

"How do you catch a drummer?"/"With a snare."

"How do you catch a school of fish?"/"With a bookworm."

"How do you cook a crocodile?"/"In a 'croc' pot."

"How do you cook duck eggs?"/"You quack them open."

"How do you cook kidneys?"/"Boil the piss out of them."

"How do you cook toilet paper?"/"Brown it on one side, then throw it in the pot."

"How do you cover 12 holes with one hole?" (flute joke)

"How do you cure someone with a pumpkin spice addiction?"/"Apply the pumpkin patch."

"How do you decorate a canoe for Christmas?"/"With oar-naments."

"How do you do the wave at a chess match?"/"With your eyebrows."

"How do you drown a hipster?"/"In the mainstream."

"How do you eat an elephant?"/"One bite at a time"

"How do you fix a broken pizza?"/"Tomato paste."

"How do you fix a cracked pumpkin?"/"With a pumpkin patch."

"How do you get an actor off your front porch?" (joke)

"How do you get an elephant out of the theater?"/"You can't. It's in his blood."

"How do you get a grandmother to swear?"/"Have another say 'Bingo!'"

"How do you get a guitarist to turn down the volume?" (joke)

"How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?" (lawyer joke)

"How do you get a parrot to talk properly?"/"Send him to polytechnic."

"How do you get to Carnegie Deli?" (joke)

"How do you get to Carnegie Hall?" (joke)

"How do you handle a dangerous cheese?"/"Caerphilly."

"How do you insult a hamburger patty?"/"Call it a meatball!"

"How do you keep a Baptist from drinking all your beer?"/"Invite two of them."

"How do you keep a dog from barking in your front yard?"/"Put him in your back yard."

"How do you keep a violin from getting stolen?"/"Put it in a viola case."

"How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?"/"You take away its tiny brooms."

"How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?"/"You take away its tiny brooms."

"How do you know a man is thinking about his future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one"

"How do you know if someone is a vegan?"/"Don't worry, they'll tell you."

"How do you know if there's a lead singer outside your door?" (joke)

"How do you know that carrots are good for your eyes?"/"Have you ever seen rabbits wearing glasses?"

"How do you know when a drummer is at your door?" (joke)

"How do you know when a liberal is really dead?'/"His heart stops bleeding."

"How do you know when Santa is in the room?"/"You can sense his presents."

"How do you know when the stage is level?"/"Drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth."

"How do you know when you're eating rabbit stew?"/"When it has hares in it."

"How do you know when your girlfriend is getting too fat?"/"She fits in your wife's clothes."

"How do you like school, Billy?"/"Closed."

"How do you like them apples?"

"How do you make an apple puff?"/"Chase it around the garden."

"How do you make an egg roll?"/"Push it."

"How do you make an electric car go faster?"/"A tow truck."

"How do you make an elephant float?"/"Just add ice cream."

"How do you make an idiot laugh on Boxing Day?"/"Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve."

"How do you make a bandstand?"/'Take away their chairs."

"How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?"/"Tell her a joke on Wednesday."

"How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?"/"Tell her a joke on Friday."

"How do you make a cheeseburger sad?"/"Make it with blue cheese."

"How do you make a cream puff?"/"Chase it around the block."

"How do you make a fruit cordial?" (joke)

"How do you make a hamburger laugh?"/"Pickle it gently."

"How do you make a hot dog stand?"/"Take away its chair."

"How do you make a musician complain?"/"Give him a gig."

"How do you make a pancake smile?"/"Butter him up."

"How do you make a rabbit stew?"/"Make it wait for three hours."

"How do you make a salad wrap?"/"Add some beets."

"How do you make a sausage roll?"/"Push it."

"How do you make a slow worker fast?"/"Don't give him anything to eat for a while."

"How do you make a Swiss roll?"/"Push him down a hill."

"How do you make a tissue dance?"/"Put a little boogie in it."

"How do you make a Venetian blind?"/"Poke him in the eye."

"How do you make a violin sound like a viola?"/"Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes."

"How do you make a violin sound like a viola?"/"Sit in the back and don't play."

"How do you make bourbon?"

"How do you make Easter easier?"/"Replace the t with an i."

"How do you make hard cider?"/"Put it in the freezer."

"How do you make rice wine cold?"/"Remove the 'r.'"

"How do you make Swiss cheese?"/"With a holey cow."

"How do you milk sheep?"/"With iPhone accessories."

"How do you order food at a Muslim restaurant?"/"Allah carte."

"How do you pronounce the name of this place?" (Mexia)

"How do you repair a damaged Toll Booth?"/"Toll Gate Booth Paste."

"How do you prevent a summer cold?"/"Catch it in the winter."

"How do you save a drowning lawyer?" (lawyer joke)

"How do you say goodbye in Arabic?"/"BOOM!"

"How do you say thank you to a New York sushi chef?"/"Gracias."

"How do you scare a snowman?"/"You get a hairdryer!"

"How do you spell candy with two letters?"/"C and Y."

"How do you start a pudding race?"/"Sago."

"How do you steam clams?"/"Make fun of their religion."

"How do you stop an elephant from charging?" (joke)

"How do you stop a dog from barking in the back yard?"/"Put it in the front yard."

"How do you stop a dog from barking in the street?"/"Put him in a barking lot!"

"How do you stop a dog howling in the back of a car?"/"Put him in the front."

"How do you stop your laptop batteries from running out?"/"Hide their trainers."

"How do you stop your laptop batteries from running out?"/"Hide their trainers."

"How do you tell a proper joke about eating?"/"In jest."

"How do you tell if a person is a level-headed country boy?"/"Snuff runs out of both sides."

"How do you think the unthinkable?"/"With an itheberg."

"How do you tickle a rich girl?"/"Say 'Gucci Gucci Gucci!'"

"How do you tune a fish?"/"With its scales."

"How do you tune a fish?"/"With its scales."

"How do you turn a T into a P?"/"Drink it."

"How do you turn soup into gold?"/"Add 24 carrots."

"How do you turn white chocolate into dark chocolate?"/"Turn off the light."

"How do you unlock a haunted house?"/"With a skeleton key."

"How do zombies do well in school?"/"They eat lots of brain food."

"How do zombies do well in school?"/"They eat lots of brain food."

"How far is it from midtown and how late is it open?" (existential New York question)

"How hard could it be?" (2006 Kinky Friedman campaign slogan for governor)

"How is a drum solo like a sneeze?" (ioke)

"How is credit like cocaine?"/"Everyone needs just one more line."

"How is hunting a sport when the other team doesn't know they're playing?"

"How is soy sauce black and soy milk white when soybeans are green?"

"How late does the band play?" (joke)

"How long does it take to eat a tire?"/"A good year."

"How long does it take to tune a 12-string guitar?"/"Nobody knows."

"How long do chickens work?"/"Around the cluck."

"How long do chickens work?"/"Around the cluck."

"How many accountants does it take to change a lightbulb?" (joke)

"How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?" (joke)

"How many Aggies/Texans does it take to eat an armadillo?"

"How many altos does it take to screw in a light bulb?" (joke)

"How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?"/"Tenants."

"How many apples grow on a tree?/"All of them."

"How many Austinites does it take to change a light bulb?" (joke)

"How many bathroom-window curtains must die needlessly to clothe golfers?"

"How many beers does it take for tropical birds to get drunk?"/"Toucans."

"How many college freshmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" (joke)

"How many cooks does it take to change a lightbulb?" (joke)

"How many cooks does it take to stuff a turkey?" (joke)

"How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?"/"None. They just beat the room for being black."

"How many cops does it take to throw a black guy down the stairs?"/"None. He fell."

"How many cranberries grow on a bush?"/"All of them."

"How many dance instructors does it take to change a light bulb?"/"Five!...Six!...Seven!...Eight!"

"How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?" (riddle)

"How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" (riddle)

"How many frat boys does it take to change a light bulb?"/"None, they prefer natural light."

"How many frat boys does it take to change a lightbulb?"/"None, they prefer Natural Light."

"How many guacs are in a bowl of guacamole?"/"Avocado's number."

"How many hamburgers can you eat on an empty stomach?" (riddle)

"How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?" (joke)

"How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?"/"Never enough."

"How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?" (lawyer joke)

"How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" (lawyer joke)

"How many libertarians does it take to change a light bulb?" (joke)

"How many men does it take to open a beer bottle?" (Joke)

"How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?" (joke)

"How many months have 28 days?" (riddle)

"How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" (joke)

"How many NCAA players does it take to change a light bulb?" (joke)

"How many NCAA players does it take to change a lightbulb?" (joke)

"How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb?" (joke)

"How many people died on the Titanic?"/"A boatload."

"How many people work here?" / "Oh, about half." (joke)

"How many people work in the Pentagon?" (joke)

"How many personal-injury lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?" (lawyer joke)

"How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?" (joke)

"How many politicians would it take to save the world?" (joke)

"How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?"/"None."

"How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?" (joke)

"How many protesters does it take to change a light bulb?" (joke)

"How many roads must a man walk down before he admits he's lost?"

"How many sides does a ball have?"/"Two -- the inside and the outside."

"How many sopranos does it take to screw in a light bulb?" (joke)

"How many teachers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" (riddle)

"How many tenors does it take to screw in a light bulb?"/"None. They can't reach that high."

"How much did Santa's sleigh cost?"/"Nothing, it was on the house."

"How much dip would a dipshit shit if a dipshit could shit dip?"

"How much does a bottled soft drink cost?"/"About a dollar a pop, soda speak."

"How much does a dumpling weigh?"/"Wonton."

"How much does a hipster weigh?"/"An Instagram."

"How much does a pirate pay for corn?"/"A buccaneer."

"How much does it cost to get married?" (joke)

"How much space do fungi need to grow?"/"As mushroom as possible."

"How much to buy a singing ensemble?" (choir joke)

"How often should you wear gloves in the winter?"/"Intermittenly."

How Staten Island got its name ("Is that an island?" joke)

"How sweet it is!" & Brooklyn street signs

"How the cow ate the cabbage"

"How to make a small fortune on Wall Street" (start with a large one)

"How to make holy water -- boil the hell out of it"

"How to sleep faster: Decorate your bedroom to look like a classroom"

"How to tell if an orange likes to party?"/"Just Invitamin-C."

"How to tie the strongest knot ever: 1) put some headphones in your pocket 2) wait one minute"

Huaraches (sandal- or shoe-shaped Mexican appetizers)

Hub of the Plains (Lubbock nickname)

Huckdummy (Hucky Dummy)

Hudson Heights

Hudson Mustache

Hudson River Ale (water)

Hudson River: American Rhine (Hudson River nickname)

Hudson River Crawl

Hudson Square

Huevos Rancheros (Ranch Eggs)

Huffington Joke (Huffington Post nickname)

Huffington Poop or Huff Poop or HuffPoop (HuffPost nickname)

Huffing Paint Post (Huffington Post nickname)

"Hug your kids at home, but belt them in the car"

"Humans eat more bananas than monkeys" (joke)

Human Chop Shop (Planned Parenthood nickname)

Human Google (New York Public Library help desk nickname)

Human High Tide

"Human statue street performers can be made to move by taking money out of the hat"

"Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less"

Hummus

"Hummus is really just pita butter"

Hungarian Boulevard or Hungarian Broadway (East 79th Street in Yorkville)

"Hungry isn’t even a feeling for me anymore…it’s basically a personality trait"

"Hunting is easier for vegans because it's easier to sneak up on plants"

Huntsvegas (Huntsville nickname)

Hurricane Cocktail (Hurricane Punch)

"Hurry up and pass out the test before I forget everything!"

Hush Puppies

Hustle Town or Hustletown (Houston nickname)

"Hustle until the haters ask if you're hiring"

Huttoan (inhabitant of Hutto)

"Hydrate to dominate"

Hylan's Holes (abandoned, incomplete Staten Island Tunnel)

Hymietown; Jew York (Jew + New York)

Hyperpalatable

Hypodermic Needle (Freedom Tower, latest design)

H-Town (Houston nickname)